JBU

I decided tonight that I really want to go to JBU. I've never been happy here and never will be. This post will probably upset people, but I have dealt with being upset by people's behavior for long enough. You may think I'm a hypocrite, and I am okay with that. I am partly being hypocritical because I do some of the same things. But I do it to fit in. I shouldn't have to change who I am to fit in with my friends though. Truth is, everyone has changed. Most for the worst. All everyone seems to do is talk bad about each other. That is not what friends do. We are being like absolutely everyone else. I thought we were friends because we are all followers of God. But, honestly, none of us are being followers of God. Jesus wouldn't act the way we do. I could say the things I have said you all say about each other, but the problems you have with each other are YOUR problem, not mine. I'm done being the friend who listens and tries not to talk bad about anybody, so I'm not going to do it now. But you all say terrible things about each other. I don't understand why you guys are friends with each other the way you treat each other. I started noticing all of this during the summer. During our get-togethers and camping trips I felt like a complete ousider watching people treat each other like crap. I'm sick of being the outsider amongst my friends. I refuse to do it anymore. One bad seed can ruin all of the fruit, and there is definitely a couple bad seeds that are making us un-Godly. Both camping trips I spent more time alone than I did with you guys. Accept I wasn't alone. The whole time I was walking and talking with God. Praying for you guys. Praying we could be better Christians and friends to each other. But to this day we aren't. I'm sad to say that depressed Matt's days of wanting to leave everyone behind have resurfaced. I became un-depressed, but being around you guys makes me depressed all over again. Every time I am around you guys I feel fake and far from God. I don't want that anymore. I choose God over you guys. I don't feel bad for that. I am supposed to put Him before everything and I am going to start to do that. That starts with a change in surroundings. I don't think I can hang out with you guys together anymore. Maybe one-on-one when you actually notice my existence. Not as a group. Our little "friemily" is so disfunctional. Who truly likes each other in it? I know I love you guys, but I don't love your attitudes. And that is what everyone has now is an attitude. I'm tired of hearing complaining. Hypocrite moment I know. But if you are going to be upset with me about complaining then you don't deserve my friendship. A true friend would know how depressed I used to be and how I saw nothing but pain. I felt I had nobody to confind in and that is why I was so unhappy. I have never fully gotten away from that depressed kid. Truth is, I am still him. But you know what, I deserve to be happy. You guys are keeping me from being happy, though. I want to change you guys and have all of us be close to God, but I know that isn't going to happen. You guys barely listen to the things I say and take them the wrong way most of the time. I am terrible at talking about my opinion and feelings, that is why I write them down. That is the only time I feel I am heard. I post tons of Facebook statuses because I have a lot to say and I want people to hear. But I deleted my Facebook accounts (all 3) tonight. I am sick of drama. My last status was saying that Facebook is from Satan, which is true. What good comes from it? It is all fake people pretending to be something they're not to get attention. Attention isn't all it is cracked up to be. I wish I could go back to a friendless nobody somedays. The days when I didn't talk to anybody and all I did was schoolwork. I didn't know all the pain and hate in the world then. I feel more invisible now than I did then. You all said that you would miss me so much when I went to college, but did you? Really? I went a week without anybody communicating with me. I was alone up there and all I wanted was friends back home communicating with me. Do you know I ate over 100 meals alone? I maybe ate 20 to 30 meals with people the whole time I was there. I did homework with people maybe four times. And the only time I hung out with someone was my second to last day, going for ice cream. I felt like a loser. I feel like that everytime I am with "the group" too. You know, I still haven't spent the night at someone's house since 6th grade? Camping trips don't count. I planned a lot of summer activities to get everyone together. Why? Because I didn't want anyone to feel left out like I do everytime people make plans. Most times I'm not invited. I am sick of it. Why do I make plans to be the one who is the outcast. Yeah I am okay with being the outcast if it means someone else isn't, but it has gone on too long. I deserve to go somewhere where I can make a friend who I hang out with all the time, one-on-one. I am hoping I get that at JBU, I may not, but who knows. If it is in God's plan and it builds patience or something else it will be worth it. Maybe it will make me a better psychiatrist...who knows? Either way I know if I stayed here I wouldn't grow and wouldn't be happy. I think I don't deserve to be happy. But I do. I don't care what people secretly think about me without even realizing it. I am not a stereotype, I am an individual and I deserve to be accepted as such. What is the point behind this blog? God. I want God. And I feel like you guys keep me from God. I can't stay far from God because I want to get other people back in His presence. I am my first priority. I am responsible for getting MYSELF close to God, not everyone around me. Act how you want. Say what you want about me. I don't care anymore. God is the one who will judge me for who I was and what was in my heart. I know what is in my heart. You guys are, but you are corrupting me. I used to be so sheltered. I miss those days. I don't want to be the person I have become. I realized that at Waldorf. But none of you would know what happened there because you never asked. You barely skyped me. Four months is a long time to feel alone. But none of you would know. You are too caught up in your unimportant drama. If you don't like each other stop pretending. Don't be rude about it just say "I don't think we are good being friends anymore. We will be better off accepting that we have changed and are different people." I tried saying this tonight. But like always I am cut off and not able to finish what I want to say. Most of you don't really know me, because you don't care to. This is me saying that we aren't the same people we were and it is time for me to move on to be the person God meant me to be. I don't regret anytime spent with you guys because I have grown as a person and have realized where I am supposed to be. I asked God today for a sign of where I should go. Your behavior is what gave me my answer. I am going to JBU and for some of you it will be goodbye after that.
Peace out girlscouts.

Come Home: Warning Excessive Ranting Lies Ahead

Wow.
No posts in over a month.
I have really been trying to escape my thoughts lately.
So here goes laying out everything that has been on my mind.

A song just came on on my Pandora called Come Home.
Here are the lyrics.

Your best friends with the word regret
Your afraid that your life's been wasted
So why hope if it's only gonna let you down?
You don't think people really change
Your a mess and you'll always be the same
And you doubt if you'll ever get it turned around
So (I know) you've been running, searching for something
But you're looking in a place you don't belong
But it's never to late, you can't outrun grace
No, Mercy doesn't care what you've done
Come Home
(Oh, Oh, Oh Oh Oh oh)
Come Home
(Oh, Oh, Oh Oh Oh Oh)
You can try to fix your broken empire
Put bricks on a cracked foundation
But you'll be building castles on the sand
There's power in the blood of Jesus
Your father's screaming Just Come Home!
He's reaching out His hands
From the shadows , From the wrong roads
From the darkness, From the unknown
To redemption, Something beautiful
To a new love, to new home

This song really got to me.
The line that stuck out the most to me was:
"Your father's screaming Just Come Home!"
I've been asking for signs for God to tell me whether I should go to Simpson or JBU,
and I am thinking this is it.

One thing that is making me think I should come home and go to Simpson is because of my mom's condition right now.
I am 3 hours from home and my mom is in the hospital.
I can't do anything or even talk to her.
I'm afraid if I go back home everything will return to how it used to be.
I'll resent my mom again and I won't remember the things I missed when I was all alone.
I am 17 years old,
and I am at a college 3 hours away.
Nobody to confide in here.
Nobody to hang out with.
I have eaten nearly 100 meals alone.
Staying here is not an option.
I'm just so caught on this decision.
I don't want to disappoint anyone with my decision or choose the wrong school like I did Waldorf.
I feel like no matter where I go there are positives,
as well as negatives.
At Simpson I will be around all my old friends.
But in a semester you all graduate and go your separate ways.
We'll stay in touch, yes,
but it won't be the same.
I don't want to come back home for the simple fact I don't want people to see that I came back home.
Do you know what that tells people about me,
that I can't handle life on my own and I crawled back home.
There are people I don't want to see again.
Even 3 hours away I still miss them and want things to end up differently.
If I go back I will get hurt and I know it.
Moving on to JBU...
I have a major problem with fake Christians.
I know JBU will have a lot of those and it will be difficult to surround myself around the type of people who will appreciate me.
All I want is to be appreciated.
I am sick of being overlooked,
like I am nothing.
I keep getting told that I am cocky,
which I'm not.
I'm not even confident.
I try to act like I have self-esteem,
but I don't.
I don't see anything special about me.
I'm average.
I'm a perfectionist...average to me is failing.
I don't want to be average,
I want something that sets me apart from the crowd.
The only thing that does that is my faith.
I am scared I will lose it if I go to Simpson.
But if I have to rely on a college to get me to commit to God than I will never last in the real world.
JBU doesn't seem plausible to me.
It seems like a fairy-tale,
something I want but is out of my reach.
I want to be able to say I went to a Christian college so people think I am a holy person.
But I don't think I am meant to be one of those people who goes to a Christian school and becomes a missionary.
I am the type of person who sits quitely ashamed by the people living in the real world.
I really don't know what to do.
I hate making these life-altering decisions.
I am a passivist,
I don't confront problems.
This decision is a major problem that will affect the rest of my life.
The type of person I become and the type of friends I gain relies on this one decision.
At JBU I would have the oppurtunity to make Christian friends.
If I went to Simpson I would live at home and only talk to you guys.
I wouldn't make any new friends.
I could save a lot of money by going to Simpson and living at home,
but I don't want my decision to be based on money.
Money isn't going to get me eternity in Heaven.
I don't know what to do guys.
Sorry about the rant,
but I need it right now.
Please don't get upset by whatever decision I make.
I only want to please God and get to Heaven.
Part of me wants to live among non-Christians so I have the chance of saving someone.
But I don't think I am capable of that.
I want to be a Christian therapist.
I need to be more knowledgeable about Christianity to do this.
Where is best to learn this?
I am at a crossroads.
Back to the song above,
the lyrics are amazing!
I want to believe this is God speaking to me but I just don't know!
I want to be able to give a definite answer of my choice but I can't.
Part of me is set on JBU,
while the other half never left home.
Any imput on this would be peachy!
Thanks for reading this.
Love you guys! :)

As always: Peace.