Wow.
It has been over a year since I have posted on here.
Where has the time gone?
Thing is,
I'm the same person today as I was then.
My most recent post,
reflects exactly what I am feeling now.
You would think after a year that I would have grown.
I have.
A lot.
But that hasn't affected my happiness.
Because the root of my unhappiness is a lack of love.
Don't get me wrong,
I know I have amazing friends in Iowa and in Missouri,
and I hate to say that's not enough,
but that is the case.
I love my friends.
I love my family.
But there is a love that has always been missing.
Romantic love.
I want there to be a guy who wants me for me.
My complete self.
Who knows everything about me.
My hopes, my dreams.
My past.
My present.
But still wants to be my future.
I want him to be my best friend.
The one who knows me better than anyone else.
Who never gets bored with me.
Always something for us to talk about.
To laugh about.
Even in times when we aren't talking,
his company being enough.
This lack of love causes me to crush on any guy I get close to.
It ruins my friendships with guys.
But the thing is,
I don't want guy friends.
I don't really relate to them.
I only make friends with them in the hopes one day they will want more.
But I am always friend-zoned.
Always the one who is overlooked.
It makes me feel like I'm not good enough.
That I will never be good enough.
That no guy will ever love me.
That is what causes me to be consistently depressed.
I try to deter my focus on other things most of the time.
But I still only want love.
Love like in the movies.
Part of me doesn't know what I want.
Part of me wants to settle for any guy who will have me.
But love is worth waiting for.
As hard as it for me to believe,
I have to.
There is a high chance I may die alone ( in the romantic sense).
But I want to at least be able to say I never gave up on love.
I want people to remember me as someone full of love.
Who loved themselves enough to wait for the love they deserved.
I am kind.
Caring.
Faithful.
Intelligent.
Hard-working.
Driven.
Honest.
Respectful.
Responsible.
Funny.
Good-looking.
Moral.
And so much more.
I'm not trying to be conceded.
Too many people think that about me now.
It sucks that they don't truly know me.
But I deserve so much from a guy.
I know that.
It's just so hard continuing to wait.
I'm on the brink of settling.
But, would it really be settling?
I don't think my "perfect guy" is "perfect."
He is flawed.
I don't want a guy who opens up easily.
I want to be the one person who breaks down their walls.
Sees the genuine heart under the rugged exterior.
Thing is,
I live next to the guy I would like to be able to do that.
He just doesn't want me.
All I am is his friend.
He isn't my ideal guy,
but yet he is.
He may cuss, drink, have quite a bit of sex.
But I see something when I look in his eyes.
Someone as desperate as me.
But afraid.
Afraid to be vulnerable.
Maybe one day I will find the love I seek.
Until that day,
it's just me.
