Wow.
No posts in over a month.
I have really been trying to escape my thoughts lately.
So here goes laying out everything that has been on my mind.
A song just came on on my Pandora called Come Home.
Here are the lyrics.
Your best friends with the word regret
Your afraid that your life's been wasted
So why hope if it's only gonna let you down?
You don't think people really change
Your a mess and you'll always be the same
And you doubt if you'll ever get it turned around
So (I know) you've been running, searching for something
But you're looking in a place you don't belong
But it's never to late, you can't outrun grace
No, Mercy doesn't care what you've done
Come Home
(Oh, Oh, Oh Oh Oh oh)
Come Home
(Oh, Oh, Oh Oh Oh Oh)
You can try to fix your broken empire
Put bricks on a cracked foundation
But you'll be building castles on the sand
There's power in the blood of Jesus
Your father's screaming Just Come Home!
He's reaching out His hands
From the shadows , From the wrong roads
From the darkness, From the unknown
To redemption, Something beautiful
To a new love, to new home
This song really got to me.
The line that stuck out the most to me was:
"Your father's screaming Just Come Home!"
I've been asking for signs for God to tell me whether I should go to Simpson or JBU,
and I am thinking this is it.
One thing that is making me think I should come home and go to Simpson is because of my mom's condition right now.
I am 3 hours from home and my mom is in the hospital.
I can't do anything or even talk to her.
I'm afraid if I go back home everything will return to how it used to be.
I'll resent my mom again and I won't remember the things I missed when I was all alone.
I am 17 years old,
and I am at a college 3 hours away.
Nobody to confide in here.
Nobody to hang out with.
I have eaten nearly 100 meals alone.
Staying here is not an option.
I'm just so caught on this decision.
I don't want to disappoint anyone with my decision or choose the wrong school like I did Waldorf.
I feel like no matter where I go there are positives,
as well as negatives.
At Simpson I will be around all my old friends.
But in a semester you all graduate and go your separate ways.
We'll stay in touch, yes,
but it won't be the same.
I don't want to come back home for the simple fact I don't want people to see that I came back home.
Do you know what that tells people about me,
that I can't handle life on my own and I crawled back home.
There are people I don't want to see again.
Even 3 hours away I still miss them and want things to end up differently.
If I go back I will get hurt and I know it.
Moving on to JBU...
I have a major problem with fake Christians.
I know JBU will have a lot of those and it will be difficult to surround myself around the type of people who will appreciate me.
All I want is to be appreciated.
I am sick of being overlooked,
like I am nothing.
I keep getting told that I am cocky,
which I'm not.
I'm not even confident.
I try to act like I have self-esteem,
but I don't.
I don't see anything special about me.
I'm average.
I'm a perfectionist...average to me is failing.
I don't want to be average,
I want something that sets me apart from the crowd.
The only thing that does that is my faith.
I am scared I will lose it if I go to Simpson.
But if I have to rely on a college to get me to commit to God than I will never last in the real world.
JBU doesn't seem plausible to me.
It seems like a fairy-tale,
something I want but is out of my reach.
I want to be able to say I went to a Christian college so people think I am a holy person.
But I don't think I am meant to be one of those people who goes to a Christian school and becomes a missionary.
I am the type of person who sits quitely ashamed by the people living in the real world.
I really don't know what to do.
I hate making these life-altering decisions.
I am a passivist,
I don't confront problems.
This decision is a major problem that will affect the rest of my life.
The type of person I become and the type of friends I gain relies on this one decision.
At JBU I would have the oppurtunity to make Christian friends.
If I went to Simpson I would live at home and only talk to you guys.
I wouldn't make any new friends.
I could save a lot of money by going to Simpson and living at home,
but I don't want my decision to be based on money.
Money isn't going to get me eternity in Heaven.
I don't know what to do guys.
Sorry about the rant,
but I need it right now.
Please don't get upset by whatever decision I make.
I only want to please God and get to Heaven.
Part of me wants to live among non-Christians so I have the chance of saving someone.
But I don't think I am capable of that.
I want to be a Christian therapist.
I need to be more knowledgeable about Christianity to do this.
Where is best to learn this?
I am at a crossroads.
Back to the song above,
the lyrics are amazing!
I want to believe this is God speaking to me but I just don't know!
I want to be able to give a definite answer of my choice but I can't.
Part of me is set on JBU,
while the other half never left home.
Any imput on this would be peachy!
Thanks for reading this.
Love you guys! :)
As always: Peace.
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