Looking Back, Moving Forward

Looking back on my life and all of the pain and struggles I have faced, has made me realize that I should be thankful for where I am currently in my life.  While I may not have the life I imagined I would have by this point in my life, I believe that I have developed into a much better person than I was in the past.  Reading old posts has made me realize just how much I let my inner pain affect my life and my relationships.  I still let this pain impact my life on a daily basis.  It is a constant struggle I am working towards overcoming.  Too often I compare my life to that of others, and when mine doesn't measure up, I enter a place that is nothing other then detrimental.  One thing that I struggle with most is seeking validation for the things I do, and yearning for attention.  I often find myself getting upset at a lack of people to talk to, and often I get quite upset when people don't respond to my text messages or other means of communication.  With the knowledge that everyone constantly has their phone on them, it hurts when people don't feel the need to respond.  It sucks going days without talking to anyone, not telling anyone about what is going on in my life, not telling anyone the times when I get super depressed.  I know it is on me for not reaching out to those in my life when I need someone to talk to, because I know there are people in my life I can talk to during those times.  I just feel as if I have reached the max amount of times going to people for help.  I just feel like a burden asking for help all the time.  I think that is why I tend to bottle up my emotions.  It is easier than opening up about what I am struggling with.  I tend to not even admit to myself what I am feeling.  I tend to sweep my emotions under the rug and go about my daily life not being true to who I really am.  Who I am around other people is a version of who I am, I just am often too afraid to be the true version of me.  Mainly because I don't believe I have discovered who that person is yet.  So many times I catch myself saying stupid things that I don't mean, but once they are said, they can't be unsaid.  I also tend to hold back the things that I should say to people to cultivate relationships.  I think that part of me is afraid to get close to people because if I make myself vulnerable, I may find happiness.  A lot of times I feel like I don't deserve happiness.  That is the sucky part of depression, it makes you believe that you don't deserve to be happy or have love in your life.  I hate this inner battle I constantly have with myself.  The part of me that wants to be kind and outgoing and happy is always pushed down my the part of me that sees the world as harsh and evil.  It is much easier to hope and pray for an afterlife in which everyone goes to Heaven and works out all the pain and suffering of this life than it is to try during this life to make the world a better place.  Despite always being in emotional pain, I always yearn for others to be happy, even if it contributes to my unhappiness.  I don't want anyone to suffer the pain I suffer.  It kills me a little inside knowing that I am doing nothing to prevent others from being unhappy.  I don't know how to, likely because I don't know how to make myself happy.  I think it is time that I stop worrying so much about everyone else and worry about mending myself and figuring out who I am and who I want to be.  I have these ideas of what I want my life to be like: close friends, a loving husband, kids, pets and such.  But, living in a fantasy world brings nothing but pain.  Before I can have those things, I need to first learn how to be comfortable being alone.  I need to be comfortable living my life and doing things like traveling and experiencing things I want to experience, even if it means doing it alone.  I really haven't been living up to this point, I've been to afraid to.  It is so much easier to stay the same as I have always been.  I'm not a kid anymore, and I shouldn't be upset because my childhood is over and it wasn't what I wanted it to be.  I have my whole life ahead of me, and the only way I will enjoy it is if I stop looking towards the past and wishing, and instead focusing on the present and becoming the person I want to be.  I cannot wait to move back to Iowa at the end of July.  I ran away from my problems there, hoping I would find the life I wanted, only to realize my life there was better than it has been anywhere else.  I know things aren't the same there as when I left, but I am hoping to rekindle relationships that I nearly destroyed.  My life has always been in Iowa, and I hate that it has taken me so long to realize that.  I'm just glad I realized it now instead of 10 or 20 years from now.  I have no idea whether I will stay in Iowa for the rest of my life.  I have no idea what will happen next in my life.  I'm okay with that.  Too much of my life has been spent planning my future, a future that will never exist.  I am sick of planning.  I just want to experience life and let it progress as it is meant to.  If I stay in Iowa forever because I have close friends and family there, perfect.  If I end up moving somewhere else with a significant other, fantastic.  Whatever happens, I know that some of the worst parts of my life have past, and it is time to find the good in life.  If I never end up married and never have kids, so long as I am doing some small part to make the world a little bit better, that is fine by me.  I no longer believe that I need a romantic interest to fulfill my life.  As long as I am content with who I am as a person and have people in my life whom I love, that is enough.  If I am meant to end up with someone, I will.  I need to leave that to God and stop trying to control my own destiny.

I'm Not Alright

It amazes me how long it has been since I last looked at this blog.  Reading posts I have made makes me realize the pain I have felt, the loneliness, and the depression I constantly struggle to overcome.  Considering everything I have overcome, you would think that I would be immune to pain at this point in my life.  I'm about to graduate and should be mature enough to not let little things get to me.  But the truth is, I am just as unhappy now as I have always been.  I have just learned to suppress it enough that even I don't realize I'm not content with life.  I feel as if I have created a fake persona for myself, and I struggle so much with knowing who I truly am.  I catch myself saying things, and I can't believe the words are coming from my mouth because it is so far from who I used to be.  Maybe it is just the fact that I am changing as I age that I am having such a difficult time coming to terms with.  I used to have this picture in my mind of how my college experience would be like.  I intended to get super fit and attractive and attract the "popular" group as my friends.  I figured that I would make life-long friends in college and that it would be the best years of my life.  The truth is, college has been some of the worst years of my life.  Being so far away from my true friends and family and being so poor that I can never afford to go back has been a major struggle.  I haven't made the friendships in college I had hoped to.  I made friends at JBU, but I've lost touch with all of them.  They are strangers to me now.  It is crazy how someone can go from being your best friend, to being a complete stranger.  I don't have a college best friend anymore.  A majority of the time when I need to talk to someone, there really isn't anyone around to talk to.  I don't want to burden anyone with my unhappiness.  There are so many times when I wonder what purpose my life serves.  To be honest, a lot of days I wonder why I should continue living.  Part of me realizes that if I were gone, there would be people who would be sad and would miss me.  Though, I never see those people anyways.  I feel like such a burden bringing up my issues to people that I hardly talk to anymore.  Plus part of me is scared to let anybody in because I have been hurt so badly by my best friends in the past.  I just wish forgiveness were easier and we could just fix things.  I just don't know how to develop relationships anymore.  I don't know who I am, and I have no idea what I want out of life.  I wish people understood depression better.  I try to fight through it every day, but deep down inside I am numb.  I don't know what my hobbies are, or if I have any.  I spend as much time as I can sleeping, listening to music, and watching Netflix because all of these things create an escape from my life and drown out my thoughts.  For so long I have been avoiding feeling anything.  I'm afraid that I've been broken beyond repair.  A year ago I used to be so much peppier and I had so much more confidence in myself.  Now every time I look in the mirror or see a photo of myself, I am repulsed.  I don't see the person I used to be, and I don't recognize the person looking back at me.  I have no idea how to bring that person back.  I don't even know if that person was ever me.  What if being depressed is who I am and any other person I may appear to be is just a facade?  I don't know how to be happy or content with life.  I don't know how to stop myself from envying other people who have two parents who care about them and have always been there.  I don't know how to not be envious of people who have nice things and don't have to take out a payday loan just to be able to do things for my 21st birthday.  Simply, I don't know how to love others because I don't know how to love myself.  I've always thought that I just needed a guy to come along to love me and then life would be better.  But from what everyone says, nobody can love me until I love myself.  This just makes me fear that nobody will ever love me because I don't know if I will ever be able to love myself.  It isn't that I don't want to, I just don't know how.  The things I think I want to do, I am too afraid to do because I hate doing things alone.  I hate being left alone and stuck fighting off negative thoughts.  I have no idea what to do with my life.  I have no idea if I want to move back to Iowa or if I want to travel and move somewhere new.  I just want to be somewhere where I can learn to like myself and enjoy life.  I don't want to keep feeling so alone.  I don't know if it is strength or weakness that keeps me going every day.  Because to be completely honest, on my 20th birthday I told myself that I had a year for my life to improve or I would kill myself.  My life is not any better now than it was then.  But I don't want to kill myself.  I want to have a better life.  I want to be a better person.  I want to build friendships and find a guy to spend my life with.  I want to have children one day.  There are so many things I want out of life, I just don't know how to make them happen.  My biggest fear is that they won't happen and I will wake up one day realizing I am old and still completely miserable and still feel alone.  For now, I'm not alright, and I need to learn how to live with that until I know how to change it.  Maybe I will never be alright, but I at least want to keep trying to be.  I deserve to find love and happiness in life.  I'll either find it, or die trying.      

Will Love Ever Find Me?

Wow.
It has been over a year since I have posted on here.
Where has the time gone?
Thing is,
I'm the same person today as I was then.
My most recent post,
reflects exactly what I am feeling now.
You would think after a year that I would have grown.
I have.
A lot.
But that hasn't affected my happiness.
Because the root of my unhappiness is a lack of love.
Don't get me wrong,
I know I have amazing friends in Iowa and in Missouri,
and I hate to say that's not enough,
but that is the case.
I love my friends.
I love my family.
But there is a love that has always been missing.
Romantic love.
I want there to be a guy who wants me for me.
My complete self.
Who knows everything about me.
My hopes, my dreams.
My past.
My present.
But still wants to be my future. 
I want him to be my best friend.
The one who knows me better than anyone else.
Who never gets bored with me.
Always something for us to talk about.
To laugh about.
Even in times when we aren't talking,
his company being enough.
This lack of love causes me to crush on any guy I get close to.
It ruins my friendships with guys.
But the thing is,
I don't want guy friends.
I don't really relate to them.
I only make friends with them in the hopes one day they will want more.
But I am always friend-zoned.
Always the one who is overlooked.
It makes me feel like I'm not good enough.
That I will never be good enough.
That no guy will ever love me.
That is what causes me to be consistently depressed.
I try to deter my focus on other things most of the time.
But I still only want love.
Love like in the movies.
Part of me doesn't know what I want.
Part of me wants to settle for any guy who will have me.
But love is worth waiting for.
As hard as it for me to believe,
I have to.
There is a high chance I may die alone ( in the romantic sense).
But I want to at least be able to say I never gave up on love.
I want people to remember me as someone full of love.
Who loved themselves enough to wait for the love they deserved.
I am kind.
Caring.
Faithful.
Intelligent.
Hard-working.
Driven.
Honest.
Respectful.
Responsible.
Funny.
Good-looking.
Moral.
And so much more.
I'm not trying to be conceded.
Too many people think that about me now.
It sucks that they don't truly know me.
But I deserve so much from a guy.
I know that.
It's just so hard continuing to wait.
I'm on the brink of settling.
But, would it really be settling?
I don't think my "perfect guy" is "perfect."
He is flawed.
I don't want a guy who opens up easily.
I want to be the one person who breaks down their walls.
Sees the genuine heart under the rugged exterior.
Thing is,
I live next to the guy I would like to be able to do that.
He just doesn't want me.
All I am is his friend.
He isn't my ideal guy,
but yet he is.
He may cuss, drink, have quite a bit of sex.
But I see something when I look in his eyes.
Someone as desperate as me.
But afraid.
Afraid to be vulnerable.
Maybe one day I will find the love I seek.
Until that day,
it's just me.

College Blues

I officially hate college.
I have no motivation for anything.
I have nobody here who knows the real me,
nobody who will ever know the real me.
My friends all like to think they know so much about me,
when truth is they don't know me in the slightest.
I'm back to hanging out in my room by myself all the time.
I don't see the point in spending a ton of time with people I can never be completely myself around.
I still haven't recovered from this summer,
I doubt I will.
I haven't talked to my sister once and only talked to my brother 2-3 times.
My life in Iowa is over.
Everyone has moved on to better things
I'm stuck in a place I don't wanna be.
Unhappy.
I just don't know how to deal with things anymore.
What's the point of it all?
So I get good grades, a good job, a successful career?
I don't care for any of that.
But I guess that's all I have to strive for now.
I wish my friends here cared to know what my blog was,
cared to see who I was and who I am.
But, guess I won't have that.
They are all making new friends.
Like one of them said "Their Asher's friends you just hung out with them."
Yep that's true.
I haven't made new friends.
Just one of my friends made new friends and I'm the one straggling along.
Still have yet to spend the night at someone else's dorm.
Great college experience.

If Only "I'm Sorry" Was Good Enough

I doubt anyone will even read this. Why would they? I don't blame anyone for being mad at me. I said things I didn't mean and tried to push people away. Looks like it finally worked, huh? I don't even know how to say I'm sorry for offending people. I guess I'll just explain the context behind the things I said. I didn't direct the comment about those who stay around here at you guys. I was ticked off that I was being talked about because Jordyn tweeted about me walking. It was directed at her and those in the community who have always looked down at me and my family. I know you guys have tried to listen, I'm just not a good communicator. Which explains the current situation. I appreciate that you guys let me come over and helped me out. It just made me feel pathetic having to go to you guys. I'm so concerned what people think about me. Which is why I'm not honest. I understand that what I said was hurtful, and I'm sorry. This is a terrible I'm sorry, I know. I just am not sure that I really want to mend this. Part of me doesn't anyway. It's not fair for me to lie to you guys and pretend to be better than I am. I don't have a horse, and if I did I would be very low on it. I have done some terrible things that I don't want anyone to know about. I act like I am a "good kid" because I know that I am hiding A LOT. I'm not going to be honest about these things. I don't want to be looked at differently. I'm sorry for upsetting everyone. I hope you can forgive me. Peace.

Sunshine and Bright Faces

I don't know why I am blogging right now. I don't want to think. I don't want people knowing what is going on inside of me. I don't want to be here. I've been home 3 days and I'm ready to leave. I don't belong here. These last few days have reminded me exactly why I left in the first place. I don't know who I am anymore. Every day I wake up and have to make the decision to pretend to be someone else. I don't even want to be the real me. But all this lieing is slowly killing me. I just want to be honest... I have no motivation for anything. Nothing makes me happy. I just don't care about anything. I want to run away. Run away from Iowa, Run away from JBU. Nobody knows me. You all know who I pretend to be. It's not like I'm close with anybody anyway. Nobody text me and tell me how I am the one who decided to graduate. I know that, I'm not stupid. That was the best decision I ever made. I hate the SEW community. Sorry I don't have the right last name and I'm not athletic. But I'm not pathetic. Everyone who stays around here is. It shows that they couldn't make it on their own. It's whatever. I just don't care. Apparently everyone was right. I'm not good enough. Congrats, I'm still the same fat loser I have always been. I'm sick of telling people that I have never even kissed anyone. Really even my friends don't know that? Shows how close we are. It's not by choice. I'm not good enough for anyone so why would anyone be interested in me? I have tried to "talk" but nothing ever happened. I'm not interesting. I'm boring. Yay I get to look forward to being alone. Guess I'll get a dog. At least it will just listen and not try to tell me that I'm being dumb. Is it too much to ask that someone just listen? I don't really care what you think. It's my life and I can make my own decisions. All I want is someone to shut up and listen. But everyone is selfish. We always have to direct the conversation to ourselves. I'm not that quiet. I just try to listen and let people figure out things on their own I don't want to type anymore. Peace.

Never a Pleasant one for Me

It never fails. I can't have a good birthday. I start off optimistic that it's going to be a good day, But then it slowly gets worse. I learned a lot about people today. And I don't like it. Is it so bad for me to want a phone call at midnight on my 18th birthday? Bad to want a phone call at all? Well I didn't get a single phone call today. No cards. Nothing. I don't care about stuff, I just want to know people care. I guess things don't ever change...