Confusing Creator

I really don't understand God sometimes,
more like all the time.
Why on earth (no pun intended) did He create this world and all the people in it?
I mean He created a world of sinners,
people who live not according to His master plan,
what He created them to be.
Instead of praising Him and loving Him like they should,
people live in their sin and keep Him completely out of their lives.
For a long time I did that myself,
and it is the worst pain anyone can ever be in.
It hurts me to see people living their lives the wrong way,
I can't even imagine how God must feel all the time.
Knowing that His children aren't going down the right path.
Knowing that they are in pain,
wanting to comfort them but all they do is ignore Him.
Drink away their problems.
Have sex with strangers to fill the emptiness within them.
And what I believe to be the worst thing anyone can do,
is to have such a great self-hatred that they attempt to take their own life.
The life He gave them,
the life He had a plan for.
This one really hits home for me,
because I tried to kill myself.
Not even a year ago.
I was so unhappy then.
I down-right hated myself and the person I thought I was.
Every single day was a struggle for me.
From 8th grade up until 11th.
It was nobody's fault but my own (so don't try to blame yourself Erick).
I was caught up in my sin.
I thought my sin was me.
I thought God could never love me,
because nobody else loved me.
Nobody cared. (or so I thought)
To me then,
the world was a place of fake people.
People who said one thing to your face and another to other people.
I saw the way people treated each other and it cut me deep.
I didn't have a social life so I lived through other people.
Their pain became my pain.
Whenever I would see someone I deeply cared about upset I knew it and it completely brought me down.
They would be better an hour later but my day would be ruined.
I still knew they were hurting,
and there was nothing I could do about it.
I mean I couldn't even get rid of my own pain in life.
The pain of not having a best friend.
Someone to call when I felt like taking my life.
There were people I could have gone to,
but to be honest,
I didn't want them to help me.
There was only one person I thought who could make me feel good about myself.
And all they did was bring me down every day.
I shouldn't blame them for my depression,
but they were definitely the center of it.
Because they didn't want to be my friend,
I overanalyzed all my other friendships and every little slightly rude comment tore me down.
I thought that those comments meant they didn't want me in their life either.
Every sporting event I went to I went home and cried,
dances too.
They really hurt for me because I saw everyone else having a good time with their friends and I was usually alone.
I could have sat by people but I was to stubborn to go and sit by them.
I am still to this day too scared to sit by people,
even my friends.
I am afraid that they don't want me to sit by them.
I don't want to seem like a follower.
Or annoy them.
One of my biggest fears is to be talked about behind my back.
I know it's stupid and I shouldn't care what people think of me,
but I do.
I want to be liked.
I can't serve God if people don't like me.
And the last thing I want is to be useless to God.
I want to save someone from themselves and their life of sin.
Just one person and I will know my life had meaning.
Right now I feel as if my life has been nothing so far.
That I have just floated by.
I really hope I'm at least impacking someone's life.
I don't want anyone to ever be in the dark place I was.
The place where the only thing that keeps you going is fear.
I never want to go there again.
But I am afraid I might go into a bad place at college.
It's hard being on your own.
There are bad decisions being made everywhere you look.
It's hard to be the one who doesn't cuss or drink or have sex or get high.
I don't want to be around people like that,
but I know I can't just runaway from people because they sin.
That isn't what Jesus would have done so I can't do it either.
It's going to be really hard to influence people here though.
I am the baby to them.
Why would they listen to my input on life?
I'm only 17,
I haven't lived close to a full life to be wise.
I don't think I am wise,
at all.
I just know what is dumb and what isn't.
I make bad decisions in the moment.
I change myself to fit the people I am around.
That is something I really need to work on.
I know I am great how I am.
God created me this way,
so He obviously has some plan.
He has some plan for me here because this is where He led me.
I have no clue what that is,
and I know it will be a bumpy ride,
but I believe I can do it.
I can do ALL things in Christ Jesus.
While everyone else is living "the college life,"
I'm going to be studying and occupying my time with productive activities.
My future is what is important to me.
I don't want to be successful for me,
but for other people.
I want to be in a position where I can actually make a difference financially.
I want to adopt children who come from a bad life.
I want to change as many lives as possible.
I don't want people to live miserable lives or be unhappy.
I know God loves me,
He is always there for me (though I ignore it a lot of the time).
I need to be the type of person who shows other people God's love,
by loving sinners.
I need to be like Jesus.
That is going to be difficult,
especially in college!
People want to sin here,
they don't want to find God.
So looks like I become a ninja and sneak God upon them!
You can run sinners,
you can hide,
but you can't escape God's love.
And you sure as all get out aren't changing me.
I'll change you,
God will change you.
But you won't get the best of me!
Bring it on college,
I am ready to change you!
Then I'm coming for you "real world."
Prepare yourself to meet your Savior,
Lord Jesus. :)
Peace for now.

He is All You Need

If I could do it over again.
Change all the things that I have been.
If I could relive it once again.
I wouldn't change a thing,
you know what I mean?
This life was made for me!
This life was made for me to see.
Everything happens to be,
in God's plan,
so raise up your hand.
Praise the One,
the Great I AM!
The one who saved you from your sin,
is greater than any other friend.
He is all you need.
Don't be afraid to follow Him.
Take up your cross,
lay down your sin.
He is all you need.
If He is all you want.
Live your life for Him.
He will give you everything,
just ask for it,
in purity.
And He will give you everything you see.
As long as you use it to honor Him,
you'll live abuntantly.
Live abundantly.
For He is all you need!

Stupid Gmail

So, I was just on my email,
 and the person I liked for 3 years was online.
I really wanted to start a chat with them,
but I know that would have been stupid.
Stupid like me emailing them the url to get to my blog.
Stupid like me typing notes in history for each section,
 just so I could give my notes to them.
Stupid like me using copying each others notes as an excuse to talk to each other.
Stupid like me thinking we were friends.
Stupid like me thinking they cared.
Stupid like me,
writing this blog right now just because I hope they read it.
Stupid like me wanting them to read.
Stupid like me still wanting to talk to them.
Stupid like me missing them.
Though it may seem stupid,
I don't believe it's ignorant of me.
I know they have a good heart,
and are a good person.
I just wish they realized it and didn't try to be someone they're not.
I still care about them.
And if they are reading this,
I'm sure you know who you are.
Then you obviously care.
Don't be stupid and just read my blog,
email or text me.
Because, for some odd reason,
I still care about you a lot.
Peace.

Real World: Day 1

So today was my first day of college.
It went fairly well!
I think I am really going to like theatre!
We played a lot of fun games to get to know each other.
Like freeze, what are you doing,
among a lot of other things.
I managed to cut up my leg during one of the games.
We were all pretending to be chixkens running from a bomb that was about to explode.
Me being the clever comedian I am,
purposefully ran into a glass trophy case.
Obviously a chicken is going to be dumb and run into things!
This hilarious big black girl told me that it was hilarious!
Not to mention that I ate the best Cheesecake ever!
I am pretty sure that I got hit on today so that was a self-esteem boost!
It feels like I have been here a week already,
and I have known these people for ages!
I know I am going to fit in just fine here!
I got people to play bananagrams and my roommate and I were up until 1 watching funny youtube videos.
I like my roommate he is pretty cool!

Day 2:
Today me and my roommate woke up an hour earlier than we needed to,
so we spent that time playing cards.
After breakfast we went on a scavenger hunt and my team won!
Then we had a water balloon fight which was great!
Then me and my roommate played cards some more while we waited to go to dinner.
Then came auditions.
I didn't get cast,
but I had fun and I got people to laugh and I was told I was funny.
I know I'll be cast later so it's no biggy.
After auditions we went bowling and then had root beer floats.
It was a good day,
but I still miss home.
I miss my friends and hanging out everyday.
But, I know you are all with me.
Carrie, I know you're reading this,
every time I get homesick I just look at the picture you gave me and it makes me feel better.
You may not be here with me,
but in a way you are.
I love and miss you guys! :)

Don't Forget the Lyrics

So it is 2 o'clock in the a.m.,
and I can't sleep.
I think this is a good time for brainstorming song lyrics.
Don't critique,
cause it is late.


Oh, Why Can't I?

Yeah yeah yeah.
Uh ooh uh ooh.
nah nah nah.
a ooh a ooh.

It's 2 in the morning and I'm still awake.
Can't get my mind to turn blank.
Not escaping my thoughts of hurt and pain,
that happened long ago on that fateful day.
The one in which my heart was broke,
it still hurts...ya know?
Wish it were easy,
and I could just forget;
but stuff like this sticks in your head. (Rap all of this)

Do you ever just wanna run away?
Leave everything behind,
and forget that day?
But it's not that easy,
to escape.
You gotta live, and learn,
from your mistakes.

Oh why,
can't I,
leave this place?
The one in my head,
full of disgrace.
Oh why,
do I,
always make mistakes?
Never learning from the ones I've already made.
Oh why,
can't I,
change?

 You never know how much time you got,
so live it up.
Laugh a lot.
Pain is real,
it can last forever.
But only if you let-her.
Forget what you've been,
it's in the past.
Make better choices,
and this life will last.
Only got one chance to do it right,
don't mess up with stupid lies.
Forgive and forget,
that's what's been said.

Living with the image in the rearview mirror,
distorts things,
like the weather.
Don't focus on the storm behind you.
All it is dark,
it hides the light.
The light on your dash,
from the sunlight.

So enjoy this life,
the best you can.
It's all you got for now,
nothing else in sight.
Give a shout!
Put up a fight!
Defend your right to have a good time.

Oh why,
can't I,
live the life I wanna live?
The one,
in which,
everyone likes me and I'm the best.
Oh why,
can't I,
just cry and forget this,
leave it behind.
Wish it would change,
but it's not eleven.
Not even close,
more like two o seven
Oh why,
can't I,
sleep.

Da du da du.
La ooh.

Who's it Gonna Be?

So I am starting to get anxious for college.
Not because I am nervous,
but because I wonder what will change after I leave.
It's the Class of 2012's Senior year,
my class.
Though, I may have left it,
they will always be my class no matter what.
They are going to change a lot this year,
I know it already.
But I will change a lot too.
Chances are,
a lot of us will change in different directions.
My friends this summer,
may not be my friends come winter.
I am curious as to who is really going to miss me.
Who will it be who hangs with me on my last day before I leave?
Or float me a text when I leave Friday morn at 4,
to say they will miss me.
Who's it gonna be that texts me every week?
Skypes me?
Calls me up on the telly?
Who's it gonna be,
that shows they don't really care?
Guess I'll find out in a week,
who's it's going to be.
Peace.

Memory Lane

So as Summer 2011 draws to a close,
I find it necessary to reflect on what has made this summer so great.
It started off a bit shaky.
My graduation party rolled around,
and I came to the realization that though a lot of people didn't show up,
the small large group that did;
is more than I ever could have asked for!
Those 20ish friends that showed up,
have been the ones I've spent so much of my time with this summer.
From swimming to camping,
I have loved every moment!
From Erick's "I saw her nipple!"
To Cassandra's "I'm about to shiz my pants!"
I have had a lot of fun.
When we saved that kid's life at ahquabi,
I think it has brought us all closer.
Life is precious,
and you never know when your's will end.
I think some of us really learned this that night on that level-b.
But level-b's are good for something,
campouts!
Though, I didn't talk much that night;
I learned a lot.
I learned that I needed to spend more time just talking to God.
Not to mention escaping talk and behavior that I disliked.
Speaking of campouts,
the campout at my second home was probably the best night of my summer.
We were real with each other that night.
Us going around in a circle telling each other what we really thought about each other was a great idea.
That's what we need to do as a group;
be honest with each other.
I have found that it is the times where you do nothing but hang out,
that bring friends together.
I like our little group so much!
We started out the summer having inappropriate fun,
but now we can get together and have fun without acting immature.
We are even to the point where we hang out and go to church as a group.
That is what has helped us all to have such a good summer together;
God.
God has been the highlight of my summer.
Tristate was the best!
I'm sorry to say it to my friends but I miss it and I'd rather be there;
except with all of you!
I can't explain the greatness of it,
you have to experience it yourself.
I made amazing friendships there;
not to mention my new family and learning that I am social.
I know now that I can do great in college and life;
and it is because of the great friendships I've made this summer.
I wouldn't be who I am now without you guys!
I want to leave so that I can impact new people and take with me all that I have learned this summer;
but it still sucks to have to leave :(
So we won't say goodbye.
Instead we will say hello.
Hello to new oppurtunities for us all to live the life God intended. :)
Peace...for now.
Ya'll know you'll be hearing from me real soon :)

Regret

When I decided that I wanted to graduate early a lot of people told me I would regret it.
I didn't believe them.
I knew what was the best for me;
or so I thought.
I thought the best thing for me was to leave Southeast Warren,
and I believe it was.
I don't regret getting out of that place at all.
But I do regret leaving all my other friends behind.
I did what was best for ME,
only me.
I didn't think to consider what would have been better for the people I care about.
Honestly, I didn't really care about anybody but myself before this summer.
Everything was poor little Matthew and his terrible existence.
I was too naive to pay attention and see that school is difficult for everyone else too.
Life tends to be difficult;
for everybody.
Why couldn't I see that before?
I feel really guilty for leaving now.
Am I a terrible person?
Sometimes I think so.
My friends are miserable there and feel like they are alone.
I don't want them to feel like that,
I felt like that too long to wish it upon anyone.
I want to be there for them,
but I will be 3 hours away.
They can come to me for anything,
I just wish they knew that.
I tell people I am here whenever they need me,
but it seems nobody ever needs me.
They want to do it on their own.
But they should learn from my mistake and realize they can't.
If you don't want to talk to me and open up,
do it with somebody else;
anybody else.
It isn't good to keep things bottled up.
It leads to much worse things.
A place nobody should ever have to go.
I have grown up a lot this summer.
I think I have made a lot of strong friendships too.
I really hope I don't lose them.
It's hard to believe just a few months ago I wanted to leave my whole life and everyone behind.
Never look back.
But I know I can't do that.
I don't have to live in Iowa,
but I should still stay in contact with people;
including my family.
I wish I could just run away.
From myself.
Everything.
But I can't.
I need to grow up and learn that life is hard;
and full of regret.
Peace.