College Blues

I officially hate college.
I have no motivation for anything.
I have nobody here who knows the real me,
nobody who will ever know the real me.
My friends all like to think they know so much about me,
when truth is they don't know me in the slightest.
I'm back to hanging out in my room by myself all the time.
I don't see the point in spending a ton of time with people I can never be completely myself around.
I still haven't recovered from this summer,
I doubt I will.
I haven't talked to my sister once and only talked to my brother 2-3 times.
My life in Iowa is over.
Everyone has moved on to better things
I'm stuck in a place I don't wanna be.
Unhappy.
I just don't know how to deal with things anymore.
What's the point of it all?
So I get good grades, a good job, a successful career?
I don't care for any of that.
But I guess that's all I have to strive for now.
I wish my friends here cared to know what my blog was,
cared to see who I was and who I am.
But, guess I won't have that.
They are all making new friends.
Like one of them said "Their Asher's friends you just hung out with them."
Yep that's true.
I haven't made new friends.
Just one of my friends made new friends and I'm the one straggling along.
Still have yet to spend the night at someone else's dorm.
Great college experience.

If Only "I'm Sorry" Was Good Enough

I doubt anyone will even read this. Why would they? I don't blame anyone for being mad at me. I said things I didn't mean and tried to push people away. Looks like it finally worked, huh? I don't even know how to say I'm sorry for offending people. I guess I'll just explain the context behind the things I said. I didn't direct the comment about those who stay around here at you guys. I was ticked off that I was being talked about because Jordyn tweeted about me walking. It was directed at her and those in the community who have always looked down at me and my family. I know you guys have tried to listen, I'm just not a good communicator. Which explains the current situation. I appreciate that you guys let me come over and helped me out. It just made me feel pathetic having to go to you guys. I'm so concerned what people think about me. Which is why I'm not honest. I understand that what I said was hurtful, and I'm sorry. This is a terrible I'm sorry, I know. I just am not sure that I really want to mend this. Part of me doesn't anyway. It's not fair for me to lie to you guys and pretend to be better than I am. I don't have a horse, and if I did I would be very low on it. I have done some terrible things that I don't want anyone to know about. I act like I am a "good kid" because I know that I am hiding A LOT. I'm not going to be honest about these things. I don't want to be looked at differently. I'm sorry for upsetting everyone. I hope you can forgive me. Peace.

Sunshine and Bright Faces

I don't know why I am blogging right now. I don't want to think. I don't want people knowing what is going on inside of me. I don't want to be here. I've been home 3 days and I'm ready to leave. I don't belong here. These last few days have reminded me exactly why I left in the first place. I don't know who I am anymore. Every day I wake up and have to make the decision to pretend to be someone else. I don't even want to be the real me. But all this lieing is slowly killing me. I just want to be honest... I have no motivation for anything. Nothing makes me happy. I just don't care about anything. I want to run away. Run away from Iowa, Run away from JBU. Nobody knows me. You all know who I pretend to be. It's not like I'm close with anybody anyway. Nobody text me and tell me how I am the one who decided to graduate. I know that, I'm not stupid. That was the best decision I ever made. I hate the SEW community. Sorry I don't have the right last name and I'm not athletic. But I'm not pathetic. Everyone who stays around here is. It shows that they couldn't make it on their own. It's whatever. I just don't care. Apparently everyone was right. I'm not good enough. Congrats, I'm still the same fat loser I have always been. I'm sick of telling people that I have never even kissed anyone. Really even my friends don't know that? Shows how close we are. It's not by choice. I'm not good enough for anyone so why would anyone be interested in me? I have tried to "talk" but nothing ever happened. I'm not interesting. I'm boring. Yay I get to look forward to being alone. Guess I'll get a dog. At least it will just listen and not try to tell me that I'm being dumb. Is it too much to ask that someone just listen? I don't really care what you think. It's my life and I can make my own decisions. All I want is someone to shut up and listen. But everyone is selfish. We always have to direct the conversation to ourselves. I'm not that quiet. I just try to listen and let people figure out things on their own I don't want to type anymore. Peace.

Never a Pleasant one for Me

It never fails. I can't have a good birthday. I start off optimistic that it's going to be a good day, But then it slowly gets worse. I learned a lot about people today. And I don't like it. Is it so bad for me to want a phone call at midnight on my 18th birthday? Bad to want a phone call at all? Well I didn't get a single phone call today. No cards. Nothing. I don't care about stuff, I just want to know people care. I guess things don't ever change...

The Future is Certainly Uncertain

I don't know what I want anymore. I came to college certain I was going to be a Psychiatrist. Now I am an Accounting major. I thought I wanted to help people, But now all I am going to do is crunch numbers. No making a difference. Is it bad that I am okay with this? Bad that I don't want to make a difference? All I want to do is be in the background. Not affecting the day to day life of anybody. Keeping to myself. It would be so easy that way. I don't know anybody, Nobody knows me. I am just tired of people. Maybe it is just the atmosphere here. I feel like everyone is fake. There is no such thing as Christian behavior. Your going to keep on sinning? Oh, that's okay. You're a Christian, God will forgive you. There has gotta be more to religion than this. The biggest command is love your neighbor as yourself. JBU fail. Just because you hold the door for someone doesn't make you a good person. They did that at Waldorf, And they aren't a "Christian" community. I expected so much more from this school. Expected more from God. But, all people are the same. Self-centered. What really bugs me is how Erika told me that JBU doesn't allow people to sit alone at meals. Bull! Every day there are at least 5 people eating alone. Everyone acts if they aren't there. Great Christian behavior. Oh wait, everyone goes out of their way to talk to the internationals. Why, because most of the students are spoiled rich kids who can travel wherever they want, No problem. While these kids have their tuition fully paid for, Here I am not able to afford it. Asking financial aid for help and they aren't giving me any. Great Christian college! JBU is like every school, Only concerned about money. Well sorry if it seems like I am turning my back on God, But I can't afford to take out $10,500 in loans next year and still have to pay $500 a month out of pocket. If I were meant to be here, financial stuff would be worked out. It's not, And I don't really want to be here. I don't like "Christians." It is just a word, Not a way of life...

Approaching Adulthood

I am a few short days away from being considered an adult. I have wanted to be grown up since junior high. I don't really want to be an adult anymore. Not because of responsibility or bills, But because of change. So much has changed in the past few years. We went from MySpace to Facebook. Looking at MySpace tonight made me realize we are all more or less the same people. We have experienced more and grown as people, But we are still the same. I may be turning 18 and finishing freshman year of college, But I am still that junior high boy that wanted meaning in life. I am moving closer to finding that meaning. We all are. We are all a part of each others' journeys, Past and present. I hope that we don't drift apart like the world expects us too. I care about you guys too much. Enough with all this growing up business! Let's not think about college this summer. We all just need to have an epic summer of ahquabi, camping, and bonfires. Last summer was great! Summer of 2012 will be better, though. I'm almost 18, not 30. I am going to live this summer as an 18-year-old. 12 days until this Iowa boy is home. I miss me some corn fields, Even if Arkansas is my new home, I will always call Iowa home. Peace for now y'all.

Looking back, moving...nowhere

Blogging seems to be something nobody does anymore.
I don't enjoy texting anymore.
I only post Facebook statuses (most of the time) when I am feeling down.
I don't write poetry or lyrics.
Nothing I do really means anything anymore.
I'm just bored.
Life doesn't interest me.
I'm not unhappy or discontent,
Just bored.
All I ever want to do is sleep.
Music doesn't mean nearly as much to me as it used to.
I feel like all I'm doing is going through the motions.
There has to be more than this.
I feel like I should know when a college is where I am meant to be.
Maybe Waldorf and JBU haven't been want they could have been because I am still withdrawn.
I feel I haven't met anybody who knows the "real" me.
I tell them generic things that I tell everyone.
But nothing really meaningful.
Don't get me wrong,
I have a good group of friends here,
They just don't know the true me.
I'm not sure they ever will.
I kind of only have two options,
First, I can stay at JBU...
Take out $10,500 in loans next year,
work full-time just to pay off tuition,
And be filled with a sense of meaninglessness.
Second, I could go to DMACC,
Community college...
Something I always looked down upon (don't ask me why).
I could try to be honest with people,
But I feel like I would make the "wrong" friends that way.
I would save money though.
Instead of uppers of $35,000 in debt I would only be in debt about $20,000.
Given that $9,500 of that debt is from this year alone, that is pretty good.
No matter my decision, I still believe in God.
I just don't know where or how I will be happy and content.
I can listen to my heart or society...
But which is my heart telling me?
I know I need to pray about it,
I am.
But no response.
There is never a response.
I feel like this is one of those times when either choice will work out for good.
Choosing is so difficult.
I would ask for opinions,
But I can't let anyone make this decision or impact my thinking.
Please keep your opinions on this to yourself,
Just pray that I am able to make the right decision.
Peace guys.

Where is the Love?

If you were to die today would your life had been worth it?
Did you be the best you that you could be?
Did you make the world a better place?
Did you make a difference?
Most importantly, did you love others?
Did you show your love?
These are questions I am asking myself.
In the U.S we are taught to look out for our best interests,
Even if it requires walking over people in the process.
Thing is, I don't want to walk over people.
I don't want my success to come from the failing of someone else.
I don't want the world to be such a terrible place.
I want to make a difference.
I want to love people and build them up.
But I am afraid.
Afraid of being judged,
Judged for caring and being a good person.
I just want to hide in the shadows.
This life is hard.
I really want a new one.
But you have to play the cards you are dealt.
I need to make the best of what I have.
Stop complaining about my problems.
Everyone has problems.
I need to focus on reassuring others.
Being there for them.
I need to give up my troubles.
God will work it out.
I just need to love others.
That is all.

HELP! Assistance Needed

Okay so here is the situation,
I am not going to be an RA.
Am I upset by this?
Most definitely!
I really wanted this,
But I didn't get it.
It isn't fair.
Whenever I really want something I don't get it.
Not fair at all.
On the topic of not fair,
Why is it that I have to work two jobs to pay for tuition when I have the max I can take out in loans?
Why do other people have the means for their parents to finance their education?
I want to stay at JBU but that can't happen unless I get money from somewhere.
Tuition is going up next year.
Not fair.
I can't spend the next 3 years taking $10,000 in loans and working 2 jobs just to break even.
How is it fair that God lets other people come here and not have to worry about money,
But yet I have to stress over the future $40,000-$50,000 in debt that awaits me if I stay here?
I am highly considering going to DMACC next semester, living in an apartment and then transfer to ISU.
I would save SO much money!
I don't come from money so I can't be $50,000 in debt.
I may never pay that off.
What do you guys think I should do?
Please text me and help me with this.
Thanks.
Peace.

Insignificance

Sick of this feeling,
the one I always have.
This voice in my head,
telling me where it is I've been.
Have I screwed up?
Yeah, everyone has.
But it seems I'm the only one who must regret,
regret the person I was.
Am?
Maybe I haven't changed.
It may just be a lie to help me sleep at night.
But I can't sleep now,
because I hear the voice.
The voice of insignificance.
"You'll never amount to anything,
never change.
You're stuck in this life,
caught in sin.
God doesn't want you,
won't accept you for who you truly are.
He doesn't want you to succeed,
or influence.
All He wants is you to feel insignificant."
I'm sick of this feeling.
Hearing who I am is just ridiculous.
Sick of being told I can't make a difference.
My goals are too high,
and I'm not thin.
Nobody wants to listen.

Listen to me,
I'm begging to be heard!
Sick of finishing in last, second, or third.
I want to be at the top,
finish first because I jumped the gun.
Sick of feeling like my good isn't good enough,
and not having fun.
I'm always stressed out,
either with school, friends, or work.
With all of them I just feel so insecure.
I'm never the best, the smartest, or the most concerned.
All I am is the one over in the corner.
The corner of life where I'm yearning to be heard.
I scream out,
try to be seen,
but I'm not heard or seen because I'm just me.
Nothing spectacular,
nothing of worth,
just average.
Average grades,
average looks,
and average personality.
I'm not of use,
I'm like almost everyone else.

Say that I am going to change the world,
change it how?
What to I have to bring?
Anything better than John Smith of Jane Doe?
Original life story?
I don't think so.
Everyone says we are different,
but I'm the same.
Same as all those who are unknown.
I want to be heard.
I want to show,
show the world what lives inside of me.
I have so many hopes, dreams, and concerns.
They stay with me,
nobody else knows.
Nobody wants to hear the bad,
the world is a crummy place.
I want to fix it,
but I can't alone.
I need a voice that tells me I'm wrong.
A voice that says:
"You are okay,
you're good enough.
I can use you as you are.
I've brought you this far,
I have a cause.
Just trust me,
and let your dreams be shown.
What I want you to be you will,
but what I don't you won't.
As for average, what's that?
A measure of worth?
Everyone is worth something,
and you are worth so much.
You may be young,
you may be weak.
Just lay your head down and think.
Think of the things you know I have done.
I have given you life,
and can take it away.
But you still live today.
Why is that?
Is it because I forgot?
Forgot to let you go?
No, you are alive,
just so you know,
to do great things and let my light shine through.
Matthew Kalani, you know I want you.
Insignificance is a waste of your time,
it is not from above.
I have great plans for you that come from love.
So let it go and begin to work.
Work on your life and focus on school,
you are smarter than you think.
Stop being silent,
except around me.
Share your thoughs and ideas,
tell people how you feel.
The only way I can use you if you are willing.
You don't understand,
that I know.
Don't try to figure me out,
just trust.
I have your life,
It is in good hands.
Lift up yours and praise me,
the Great I Am.

Pet Peeves and Praises

Please Bear with me as I complain.

Things that bug me:
The F-word.
Two-faced people.
Cussing in general.
Flambouyancy.
Rude people.
Disrespect.
Lieing.
Cheating.
Whoring around.
Pretending you are something you are not.
Not having enough time to do everything.
Gossip.
Talking about people behing their backs constantly.
People who talk more than listen.
Teen dating.
Teenagers who are dumb enough to have sex but don't keep the child.
Spoiled kids.
People who complain about not having money when they clearly do.
Fake Christians.
Drinking.
Smoking.
Doing drugs.
Not taking responsibility for your actions.
Blaming other people for your problems.
Hate.
Giving up.
Lazyness.
Homework.
Tests.
Complaining about something without trying to change it.
Violence.
Confrontation.
Arguments.
Excessive profanity.
Facebook.
Using God's name in vain.

Things I like:
Food.
Music.
Disney Channel.
Kids movies.
My friends.
My family.
JBU.
God and Jesus (actually I love them!).
Love.
Random Acts of Kindness.
Tristate.
Laughter.
Late nights.
Sleep.
Coffee.
My New Testament Class.
Someone...
Cookies!
Food in general.
Television.
Music is my LIFE.
That God has put me through much.
My maturity.
Mature people.
Children (no I'm not a pedophile).
Big Black girls, they are so funny!
Random people who are funny.
Life.
Listening.
Hearing about people's lives.
Nice people.
Motivated people.
Confidence.
Happiness.

If you do something I don't like that is fine,
just do two things I do like for every one I don't.

What's Up?

Remember the days when I was overweight?
The days when I thought you were fake.
The days we were in eigth grade.
I thought you were great.
You were my friend,
in the days I had less than 10.
I had no self-esteem,
sometimes you were mean.
You played sports,
I played sleep.
You had friends,
I had me.
We were friends then,
but not so much now.
I invite you to my house,
you don't respond.
I miss the days when you texted me first.
What's up you'd say,
that is all.
But for some reason it made me fall.
Fall for you,
I shouldn't, I know.
Buy you know I don't care.
I like you for who you are,
not for your looks.
Even though everyone else would rather look at you than a book.
I'd rather talk to you than anyone else.
But this isn't all I've felt.
You are a great person,
I see it in your eyes.
I see right through all your lies.
You lie to yourself,
to everyone else,
but I don't believe it.
Act how you want,
it's your choice,
but if you choose,
I'll listen to your voice.
Your eyes don't hide,
who you are inside.
Be honest with yourself,
if nobody else.
To anwer your question from long ago,
what's up with me is your "ego."
This is in quotes,
because I know it's a joke.
Forget me if you want,
I won't forget you.
Why you ask?
Because I don't want to.
So live a lie,
or change your life.
It's all up to you.

Life changes, but we always have the memories

Okay so I seriously need to start blogging frequently again.
Here goes nothing,
this post may be lousy,
but hey I am rusty.

Okay so here is the sitch, everyone seems to like someone.
What really bugs me is when I like someone and they end up in a relationship.
Well better word here would be liked.
I don't know them anymore so I can't like them.
I really don't know anybody anymore.
That needs to change.
I didn't realize how far I drew away from people last semester.
I have been to caught up in college life to float my friends a text once in awhile.
Truth be told, I want to know how everything is going with you all.
I feel like I live in another world lately,
not a bad one...just different.
I'm not in high school anymore and you guys are.
I feel like high school was so long ago,
when it was only last year.
A year ago...it seems so far away, but also just like yesterday.
I don't even know where my life was a year ago.
Scratch that I do.
I began to be honest with people.
But I don't know where I stand with that honesty anymore.
I am caught between who I think I am,
and what I am told I must be.
Don't get me wrong I would rather be told what to be,
it just isn't that easy.
I feel like I have to be an adult now,
but I'm not even 18 yet.
I am so young.
Why do I feel the need to define myself?
Why must I carry the burden of trying to change the world?
Will anyone listen anyway.
Listening...
Nobody seems to do it anymore.
Everyone has their own problems and don't really hear other people's.
You know what though,
I don't like telling my problems.
Not because I don't trust people,
I just would rather listen to someone else talk than talk myself.
I may appear quiet a lot of the time,
but that is only because I am listening.
I want to hear all ya'll have to say.
None of it is meaningless to me.
I like to hear how life is going for people.
The good and bad.
Not because I am judging or anything,
but because I care.
I feel connected to people by listening.
That is why I want to be a Psychiatrist.
But, I find it kind of unfair to charge for something I enjoy doing.
I am changing my major to Accounting.
I will probably graduate a year earlier.
That is 3 years in college.
From there I will go to get my Masters in Psychology.
Another 2-3 years.
Then I get my PhD.
In school until about age 26-30.
The prime of my life gone.
I hope I find the cliche "One" in that time.
But I feel like I want too much.
I don't have that high of standards and once I start liking ya,
it is hard for me to stop.
It isn't from stupidity,
I just become attached and remember all the memories.
But thing is,
life changes.
People change.
No need to be upset that your long-time cruch is in a relationship.
What are you, jealous?
Why?
Are you that upset with where your life is now?
Trust God.
That is what I keep telling myself.
I have learned at JBU that this isn't a place for extremely Holy people,
sinners go here.
We are good on putting on a Christian face.
We all have something that we are facing right now.
Some sin.
I am at least.
It is hard to overcome.
I don't know that I will, or can.
Maybe I'm not meant to.
Either way,
I am not in control.
Better just lay back and enjoy the ride.
I need to stop stressing and enjoy life.
I am still a teenager.
I haven't lived my whole life yet.
So I need to live it.
I don't know what the future holds.
What will happen after the class of 2012 graduates, who knows.
If we go our separate ways,
more like when we do.
Things with change.
People move on, go to college.
I already have.
We will change as people and make new friends,
but that doesn't mean we forget each other.
Even if I have changed,
or you have changed,
you are still a part of my life.
I am glad you are there.
Whatever we have been through together,
large or small,
I love you.
Yes you reading this now.
Even if you read this blog without me knowing I still care about you.
I am excited for the future,
miss the past,
but it is time for the present.

New Beginnings

So today completes my 5th day here at JBU.
I absolutely love it here!
It is awesome,
the people are great,
and God is ever present!
I am so glad I didn't follow my mind by going to Simpson and instead followed my heart.
God led me to where I needed to be, and this is definitely where I need to be.
I feel less tempted to sin here,
like I don't need to behave in a certain way.
I already have a good group of friends and we have been eating every meal together since Wednesday.
Shalene, Josh, and Dustin are their names.
I have also made several other acquaintances.
Last night we went to play racquetball after dinner.
I was terrible!
I got beat by this kid named Erik who is an acquaintance, bordering on friend.
It's kinda weird how God works.
I met an Eric at Waldorf and became friends with him,
and now I am becoming friends with an Erik.
I cannot express how much I enjoy this place!
I haven't really even thought about leaving yet.
I just want to stay put and enjoy life.
This semester I'm not stressing about grades.
I really like all of my classes so I want to focus on actually learning it (are you happy Erick? making me conform)
Well anyways,
Ya'll are still in my heart and we will be seeing each other soon enough!
Peace Ya'll!

2012: The Beginning of the End

It is officially 2012.
That means it is time for a new start.
A new Matthew.
I could post a long blog about my impressions of 2011 and my plans for the new year,
But I'm not going to.
Life is what it is.
People change.
Time to change to be who I want to be,
Not what others expect of me.
I am who I am,
If you don't like it,
I don't really care.
That's all.
It's been fun.
Peace.