If Only "I'm Sorry" Was Good Enough

I doubt anyone will even read this. Why would they? I don't blame anyone for being mad at me. I said things I didn't mean and tried to push people away. Looks like it finally worked, huh? I don't even know how to say I'm sorry for offending people. I guess I'll just explain the context behind the things I said. I didn't direct the comment about those who stay around here at you guys. I was ticked off that I was being talked about because Jordyn tweeted about me walking. It was directed at her and those in the community who have always looked down at me and my family. I know you guys have tried to listen, I'm just not a good communicator. Which explains the current situation. I appreciate that you guys let me come over and helped me out. It just made me feel pathetic having to go to you guys. I'm so concerned what people think about me. Which is why I'm not honest. I understand that what I said was hurtful, and I'm sorry. This is a terrible I'm sorry, I know. I just am not sure that I really want to mend this. Part of me doesn't anyway. It's not fair for me to lie to you guys and pretend to be better than I am. I don't have a horse, and if I did I would be very low on it. I have done some terrible things that I don't want anyone to know about. I act like I am a "good kid" because I know that I am hiding A LOT. I'm not going to be honest about these things. I don't want to be looked at differently. I'm sorry for upsetting everyone. I hope you can forgive me. Peace.

Sunshine and Bright Faces

I don't know why I am blogging right now. I don't want to think. I don't want people knowing what is going on inside of me. I don't want to be here. I've been home 3 days and I'm ready to leave. I don't belong here. These last few days have reminded me exactly why I left in the first place. I don't know who I am anymore. Every day I wake up and have to make the decision to pretend to be someone else. I don't even want to be the real me. But all this lieing is slowly killing me. I just want to be honest... I have no motivation for anything. Nothing makes me happy. I just don't care about anything. I want to run away. Run away from Iowa, Run away from JBU. Nobody knows me. You all know who I pretend to be. It's not like I'm close with anybody anyway. Nobody text me and tell me how I am the one who decided to graduate. I know that, I'm not stupid. That was the best decision I ever made. I hate the SEW community. Sorry I don't have the right last name and I'm not athletic. But I'm not pathetic. Everyone who stays around here is. It shows that they couldn't make it on their own. It's whatever. I just don't care. Apparently everyone was right. I'm not good enough. Congrats, I'm still the same fat loser I have always been. I'm sick of telling people that I have never even kissed anyone. Really even my friends don't know that? Shows how close we are. It's not by choice. I'm not good enough for anyone so why would anyone be interested in me? I have tried to "talk" but nothing ever happened. I'm not interesting. I'm boring. Yay I get to look forward to being alone. Guess I'll get a dog. At least it will just listen and not try to tell me that I'm being dumb. Is it too much to ask that someone just listen? I don't really care what you think. It's my life and I can make my own decisions. All I want is someone to shut up and listen. But everyone is selfish. We always have to direct the conversation to ourselves. I'm not that quiet. I just try to listen and let people figure out things on their own I don't want to type anymore. Peace.