If Only "I'm Sorry" Was Good Enough

I doubt anyone will even read this. Why would they? I don't blame anyone for being mad at me. I said things I didn't mean and tried to push people away. Looks like it finally worked, huh? I don't even know how to say I'm sorry for offending people. I guess I'll just explain the context behind the things I said. I didn't direct the comment about those who stay around here at you guys. I was ticked off that I was being talked about because Jordyn tweeted about me walking. It was directed at her and those in the community who have always looked down at me and my family. I know you guys have tried to listen, I'm just not a good communicator. Which explains the current situation. I appreciate that you guys let me come over and helped me out. It just made me feel pathetic having to go to you guys. I'm so concerned what people think about me. Which is why I'm not honest. I understand that what I said was hurtful, and I'm sorry. This is a terrible I'm sorry, I know. I just am not sure that I really want to mend this. Part of me doesn't anyway. It's not fair for me to lie to you guys and pretend to be better than I am. I don't have a horse, and if I did I would be very low on it. I have done some terrible things that I don't want anyone to know about. I act like I am a "good kid" because I know that I am hiding A LOT. I'm not going to be honest about these things. I don't want to be looked at differently. I'm sorry for upsetting everyone. I hope you can forgive me. Peace.

Sunshine and Bright Faces

I don't know why I am blogging right now. I don't want to think. I don't want people knowing what is going on inside of me. I don't want to be here. I've been home 3 days and I'm ready to leave. I don't belong here. These last few days have reminded me exactly why I left in the first place. I don't know who I am anymore. Every day I wake up and have to make the decision to pretend to be someone else. I don't even want to be the real me. But all this lieing is slowly killing me. I just want to be honest... I have no motivation for anything. Nothing makes me happy. I just don't care about anything. I want to run away. Run away from Iowa, Run away from JBU. Nobody knows me. You all know who I pretend to be. It's not like I'm close with anybody anyway. Nobody text me and tell me how I am the one who decided to graduate. I know that, I'm not stupid. That was the best decision I ever made. I hate the SEW community. Sorry I don't have the right last name and I'm not athletic. But I'm not pathetic. Everyone who stays around here is. It shows that they couldn't make it on their own. It's whatever. I just don't care. Apparently everyone was right. I'm not good enough. Congrats, I'm still the same fat loser I have always been. I'm sick of telling people that I have never even kissed anyone. Really even my friends don't know that? Shows how close we are. It's not by choice. I'm not good enough for anyone so why would anyone be interested in me? I have tried to "talk" but nothing ever happened. I'm not interesting. I'm boring. Yay I get to look forward to being alone. Guess I'll get a dog. At least it will just listen and not try to tell me that I'm being dumb. Is it too much to ask that someone just listen? I don't really care what you think. It's my life and I can make my own decisions. All I want is someone to shut up and listen. But everyone is selfish. We always have to direct the conversation to ourselves. I'm not that quiet. I just try to listen and let people figure out things on their own I don't want to type anymore. Peace.

Never a Pleasant one for Me

It never fails. I can't have a good birthday. I start off optimistic that it's going to be a good day, But then it slowly gets worse. I learned a lot about people today. And I don't like it. Is it so bad for me to want a phone call at midnight on my 18th birthday? Bad to want a phone call at all? Well I didn't get a single phone call today. No cards. Nothing. I don't care about stuff, I just want to know people care. I guess things don't ever change...

The Future is Certainly Uncertain

I don't know what I want anymore. I came to college certain I was going to be a Psychiatrist. Now I am an Accounting major. I thought I wanted to help people, But now all I am going to do is crunch numbers. No making a difference. Is it bad that I am okay with this? Bad that I don't want to make a difference? All I want to do is be in the background. Not affecting the day to day life of anybody. Keeping to myself. It would be so easy that way. I don't know anybody, Nobody knows me. I am just tired of people. Maybe it is just the atmosphere here. I feel like everyone is fake. There is no such thing as Christian behavior. Your going to keep on sinning? Oh, that's okay. You're a Christian, God will forgive you. There has gotta be more to religion than this. The biggest command is love your neighbor as yourself. JBU fail. Just because you hold the door for someone doesn't make you a good person. They did that at Waldorf, And they aren't a "Christian" community. I expected so much more from this school. Expected more from God. But, all people are the same. Self-centered. What really bugs me is how Erika told me that JBU doesn't allow people to sit alone at meals. Bull! Every day there are at least 5 people eating alone. Everyone acts if they aren't there. Great Christian behavior. Oh wait, everyone goes out of their way to talk to the internationals. Why, because most of the students are spoiled rich kids who can travel wherever they want, No problem. While these kids have their tuition fully paid for, Here I am not able to afford it. Asking financial aid for help and they aren't giving me any. Great Christian college! JBU is like every school, Only concerned about money. Well sorry if it seems like I am turning my back on God, But I can't afford to take out $10,500 in loans next year and still have to pay $500 a month out of pocket. If I were meant to be here, financial stuff would be worked out. It's not, And I don't really want to be here. I don't like "Christians." It is just a word, Not a way of life...

Approaching Adulthood

I am a few short days away from being considered an adult. I have wanted to be grown up since junior high. I don't really want to be an adult anymore. Not because of responsibility or bills, But because of change. So much has changed in the past few years. We went from MySpace to Facebook. Looking at MySpace tonight made me realize we are all more or less the same people. We have experienced more and grown as people, But we are still the same. I may be turning 18 and finishing freshman year of college, But I am still that junior high boy that wanted meaning in life. I am moving closer to finding that meaning. We all are. We are all a part of each others' journeys, Past and present. I hope that we don't drift apart like the world expects us too. I care about you guys too much. Enough with all this growing up business! Let's not think about college this summer. We all just need to have an epic summer of ahquabi, camping, and bonfires. Last summer was great! Summer of 2012 will be better, though. I'm almost 18, not 30. I am going to live this summer as an 18-year-old. 12 days until this Iowa boy is home. I miss me some corn fields, Even if Arkansas is my new home, I will always call Iowa home. Peace for now y'all.

Looking back, moving...nowhere

Blogging seems to be something nobody does anymore.
I don't enjoy texting anymore.
I only post Facebook statuses (most of the time) when I am feeling down.
I don't write poetry or lyrics.
Nothing I do really means anything anymore.
I'm just bored.
Life doesn't interest me.
I'm not unhappy or discontent,
Just bored.
All I ever want to do is sleep.
Music doesn't mean nearly as much to me as it used to.
I feel like all I'm doing is going through the motions.
There has to be more than this.
I feel like I should know when a college is where I am meant to be.
Maybe Waldorf and JBU haven't been want they could have been because I am still withdrawn.
I feel I haven't met anybody who knows the "real" me.
I tell them generic things that I tell everyone.
But nothing really meaningful.
Don't get me wrong,
I have a good group of friends here,
They just don't know the true me.
I'm not sure they ever will.
I kind of only have two options,
First, I can stay at JBU...
Take out $10,500 in loans next year,
work full-time just to pay off tuition,
And be filled with a sense of meaninglessness.
Second, I could go to DMACC,
Community college...
Something I always looked down upon (don't ask me why).
I could try to be honest with people,
But I feel like I would make the "wrong" friends that way.
I would save money though.
Instead of uppers of $35,000 in debt I would only be in debt about $20,000.
Given that $9,500 of that debt is from this year alone, that is pretty good.
No matter my decision, I still believe in God.
I just don't know where or how I will be happy and content.
I can listen to my heart or society...
But which is my heart telling me?
I know I need to pray about it,
I am.
But no response.
There is never a response.
I feel like this is one of those times when either choice will work out for good.
Choosing is so difficult.
I would ask for opinions,
But I can't let anyone make this decision or impact my thinking.
Please keep your opinions on this to yourself,
Just pray that I am able to make the right decision.
Peace guys.

Where is the Love?

If you were to die today would your life had been worth it?
Did you be the best you that you could be?
Did you make the world a better place?
Did you make a difference?
Most importantly, did you love others?
Did you show your love?
These are questions I am asking myself.
In the U.S we are taught to look out for our best interests,
Even if it requires walking over people in the process.
Thing is, I don't want to walk over people.
I don't want my success to come from the failing of someone else.
I don't want the world to be such a terrible place.
I want to make a difference.
I want to love people and build them up.
But I am afraid.
Afraid of being judged,
Judged for caring and being a good person.
I just want to hide in the shadows.
This life is hard.
I really want a new one.
But you have to play the cards you are dealt.
I need to make the best of what I have.
Stop complaining about my problems.
Everyone has problems.
I need to focus on reassuring others.
Being there for them.
I need to give up my troubles.
God will work it out.
I just need to love others.
That is all.