Speak to Me Oh God of Life

So I just submitted an application to BSU (Erika's college).
She thinks I would love it there.
I think I could.
I need a college of Christian values.
I fall to easily without Christian friends surrounding me.
I could really use some prayer.
Prayer for me getting accepted there,
prayer for me knowing what to do right now.
I don't know if I should transfer or stick it out.
I know it is difficult for me here and there is no Christian for me to turn to.
I just need God completely in my life again.
Peace.

Bad Day

So Bad Day by Daniel Powder came on on my Pandora.
I think that is a good phrase to describe my time here in Forest City.
I don't much like it here.
I still don't really have a friend.
There are a couple of people I talk to,
but we don't really hang out so they can't be considered a friend.
I get the feeling that none of the freshman like me.
I'm sorry I am younger than you and I apply myself instead of getting drunk, high, or having sex.
But honestly I have been a happy go-lucky person the whole time I've been here.
Why haven't I made best friends.
I keep seeing people saying I love you to their friends when they go to different places.
I don't think I will ever have friends like that here.
If I don't have them now I don't see that changing.
I am thinking I'm going to transfer at semester,
but where?
Where am I going to go?
The thoughts of me never being happy no matter where I go that I used to have are starting to seem more real.
What is wrong with me exactly?
Why do I not have friends here?
It's not fair.
I wanna come home.
Peace...I guess.

Stronger

God is all I want,
He is all I need.
He has made me stronger.
I know that I can do anything because I have Him right there beside me.
I don't need to be mad or upset.
He is all I need.
He is all I want.
If He wasn't my everything I would be miserable.
I don't need to care what other people think or say,
all that matters is God loves me.
I may be a loser and never be popular,
but I have God.
He will listen to me,
I can cry on his shoulder if I need comfort.
No more finding comfort in other people,
God you are all I will ever need.
I know I won't get everything I want,
but you have given me all I need.
Time to be stronger and not focus on negativity,
but focus my attention on the one and only God.
People may not listen to me,
but I know you here what I am saying.
I may not be changing other people,
but I will be changing myself for the better.
No more compromising myself.
God I will listen to music that praises you,
I will avoid sin at all cost.
I just need one thing from you,
the ability to live among sinners without sinning.
I know I am better than sin,
everyone is.
I'm choosing to walk away and towards God.
Peace.

Strong. Together or Apart.

So the general consensus that I collect is that everyone misses the summer.
Correct?
Yes.
It was thee best summer I know.
But the truth is,
you can't let focusing on how things were then
determine your opinion on life now.
SEW has been virtually the same right?
Yeah because nobody is willing to step up and change it.
Ashley Carrie and Cassandra you guys are in charge of changing SEW now.
I know it sucks and it is not likely to happen,
but you have to at least try.
Don't change to match SEW.
Be the same person you were with our group,
if you don't fit in
then why fit in?
Everyone thinks I'm mature,
but the truth is I have just learned from my mistakes and know now what works for me and what doesn't.
You three need to figure that out too.
I wish I could be there to help you but God has called me to be here,
He led me here to impact people.
He left you guys there to impact people.
I know you guys can.
Remember tri-state Cassandra?
ARK...act of random kindness.
That's all you guys need to do.
Be positive and hold doors for people.
Be happy and stay out of the drama.
Be good friends to each other and talk out your problems.
That is how you will change SEW.
You guys aren't alone either.
You have people to help you,
just let them know you need their help and let them in.
That is something Erick and I never did.
You guys have impacted us just as much as we have impacted you.
You don't need us to be yourselves.
So go out there and be yourselves.
If you don't change SEW so what?
Graduate and move on with your lives.
You guys can handle senior sear!
Peace and Love gals :)

Take Me As I Am

I just finished making note cards for Biology,
and I have a ton of homework still!
So I feel like rewarding myself with a little blogging.
It has been brought to my knowledge that my blog can sometimes be upsetting to people.
But it shouldn't.
Because the truth is I have been happier than I have ever been ever since tri-state time.
Have I fallen from God lately?
Big time!
Have I let it keep me from Him?
Yes and no.
The thing with me and God is,
we don't really see eye to eye.
He knows what He has planned for me,
I don't.
This frustrates me big time!
You should all know how planned I am,
I want everything to be structured and know how my life is going.
I know that isn't how it is going to be with God,
but I am stubborn.
I'm going to keep my life plans because that is what keeps me focused.
I just need to focus on God too.
The way I plan on doing this is by being as caring as I can be.
You know I'm not perfect,
I have my "insert sin here" that keeps me from the glory of God.
But you know that doesn't matter as much as being loving.
Yes I ask for forgiveness for my sins,
and I know I'm forgiven.
As we all are.
You can sin when and how you want,
fine by me.
As long as you learn from it,
that is fine by me.
I don't expect perfection from people anymore.
I've found that role models let you down every time.
I am trying to be my own role model now.
The only way I can impact other people is by first impacting myself.
I learned how to do that at some point.
I learned to love myself,
though I don't know when.
I have found it is much easier to love other people now that I have.
Don't try loving other people until you love yourself.
Once you love yourself,
love everyone more than you do yourself.
Look out for their best interests,
that is what I'm learning to do.
I know you have all messed up,
and I don't care.
That is between you and God,
it's not my place to judge.
God calls me to love above all else.
Anything I may say that comes off as judgment,
is my care for your well-being coming out.
I love you all!
I say I love you a lot now,
and it is a phrase I was never able to say before.
I didn't love for the longest time.
I hated love.
But love is happiness.
Which is why I am so happy now.
So when you read my deep, thoughtful, mournful, and depressing posts,
remember that I am happy (but don't be afraid to ask if I'm okay :))
How could I be unhappy anymore?
Yeah I have my bad days,
and I know it seems like I'm still depressed but I'm not.
At least not anymore.
These posts are my outlet to get out any upsetting thoughts I may have.
Once they are out I can move forward.
I love you guys so much!
It's hard to believe at one point in my life I wanted to leave all of you behind,
focus on being successful.
But with that mindset I never would have been successful.
You guys are what drive me to succeed now.
I want to succeed for you guys.
Prove to you that your belief in me was not wasted.
I know I have immense potential,
but so do all of you.
I believe in you guys completely.
You can do anything you set your minds to!
Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
Are there going to be obstacles in all of our lives that hault our success?
Of course.
But power through,
you'll make it.
And I will be right there with you every step of your journey.
In heart and spirit I will always be with you guys.
Even when I am living who knows where,
who knows how far from you guys.
You are all in my life for a reason.
Remember that I am always here to talk to.
I know it's difficult to talk to someone when your down,
or caught up in your sin.
But come to me anyways.
I'm not going to judge you and I won't preach at you if that is not what you want.
I will not watch any of you get to a place I was,
so just love.
Love yourself enough to confide in me. :)

My name is Matthew and I am an awesome person. I will change people's lives and make a difference in this world, it may not be huge, but it will be a difference nonetheless. 

My name is Matthew and I have amazing friends (this includes you Erick).

My name is Matthew and I am confident in my self.

My name is Matthew and through God I can do all things for He gives me strength.

My name is Matthew and I stole Carrie's trademark but she is okay with it because she loves her bro :)

My name is Matthew and I am going to be Valedictorian and Student Body President.

My name is Matthew and I am an overachieving nerd. :)

My name is Matthew and I have screwed up a lot, but I keep holding on becasue I believe the worst is over.

My name is Matthew and I believe God calls us all to love each other no matter what sins the Bible may condemn.

My name is Matthew and I believe there is no such thing as a "worse sin."  If you condemn anybody you are being hypocritical.

My name is Matthew and I'm not exactly sure who I am, but God will lead me to the answer one day.

My name is Matthew and I no longer regret past decisions.

My name is Matthew and I am happy because of all of you.

My name is Matthew and I need to get back to homework.

My name is Matthew and I will be there for anyone who needs me whenever they need me from now on.

My name is Matthew and I'm not the most attractive person and I am afraid of being in a relationship.

My name is Matthew and I am an open book, though my story is still being written and edited.  So don't judge me until you have read the whole series (yes series, I am too complex for 1 book; that is the lazy way out)

My name is Matthew and I always end blogs with one word...

Peace.

Pictures of You

So this is my third blog tonight, I know.
But this one is more necessary than the others I think.
The song 'Pictures of You' by 'The Last Goodnight' just came on on my Pandora.
When it came on it got to me.
That was one of my favorite songs back when Kim was still here.
It was the first song I set as her ringtone and it was the song I was listening to when she called me the first time.
I really miss you Kim!
I cried for the first time about it writing on your wall.
I think I have tried to pretend it didn't happen.
I want to believe you just transfered schools and it didn't really happen.
Why would God do that?
I don't understand!
I wish you were here.
Life would be so different if you were.
I would probably still be in high school at SEW.
I know God has a plan for everything,
but I really don't understand this one.
When I heard this song Carrie,
I picked up the photo you gave me and that started my reminissence.
I love you sis.
I love everyone who is reading this blog.
That means you Cassandra, Ashley, Tayler, Chrissy, and Erick.
I don't want to lose any of you,
ever.
Just a little peace of my mind...

That is the Question

To Date, or Not to Date?

In the current age, 2011, many American teens spend their free time watching television and movies.  In almost every movie created in the United States, part of the plot involves a love interest between the male lead and his attractive female counterpart.  The relationship is generally based on the physical aspects of a person rather than love. These depictions of relationships greatly influence the minds of American youth.  As these children become teenagers, they begin to date and form romantic relationships, basing their decisions of who they would like to be their significant other on appearance.  Teenagers don’t try to fully analyze the similar interests they may have with each other; they are more focused on getting to “know” each other better.  This type of behavior is very harmful to young people.  What teenagers fail to realize is that when they sleep with someone their bodies make a promise whether they intend to or not.  Every teenager needs to decide (with their mind and body) whether or not they are ready for the commitment that comes with dating and physical relations.

As humans teenagers have a longing for love and companionship.  They yearn for someone to care about them at an emotional (as well as physical) level.  During times when teenagers are feeling down, when they are unable to handle all of the stress and responsibility that is being thrown upon them, they want someone around to converse with.  Teenagers, girls especially, try to find comfort in someone else.  They look for someone who will be there to comfort them when they are upset; a person who can hold them in their arms and say, “Everything will be okay.”

What teenage girls do not realize is that teenage guys aren’t usually looking for the same thing in a relationship as they are.  Teenage guys may be there to hold and comfort their girlfriends during times of distress, but they are usually expecting to get “a little more” out of the deal.  Guys usually date girls in high school with one goal in mind, getting laid.  It is an upsetting, but accurate statement.  This doesn’t mean that teenage guys only care about sex, it just means that it is the largest force in their mind.  Due to hormones, an increasing amount of testosterone, and the animal instinct to reproduce sex is a constant idea in teenage males’ heads.  Guys date girls because they find them attractive.  At some time or another, hormones help in turning this attraction into lust; if it didn’t start as such.  Eventually in the relationship sex will become an option. 

Teenagers do have a choice in whether or not they practice abstinence within their relationships.  Whether they believe it or not, no is always a response they can utilize.  In fact, “no” is the response all teenagers should be using in their relationship, at least until both parties reach a common consensus about sex.  When thinking about “taking the next step” in their relationships, teenagers do not always evaluate it fully.  Often times, teenage couples start having a physical connection when they aren’t quite ready for one.  This can be very harmful to their relationship. 

Sex changes a relationship, sometimes for the better, but often for the worse.  Adding physical activity to a relationship adds to the complexity of that relationship.  Once one starts having sex (in most cases) they usually want it to continue.  If one person in the relationship decides that they no longer want to continue the physical part of their relationship, one of three things most commonly occurs.  One thing that can happen when one is approached by their partner about ending their sexual activity involves the person asked halting their sex life, thus respecting their partner’s wishes and no longer having sex.  More common than ending sexual activity within a relationship is persistence by the one approached in continuing their sexual activity.  When this occurs the person wanting to abstain from sex has two choices, compromising their decision and continuing to have sex or ending the relationship.  If a couple plans to stay together for the “long-haul,” the answer isn’t always yes when it comes to sex.  Sometimes it is better to know to say no.

When teenagers abstain from having premarital sex during their relationships, they protect themselves from possible regret later on in life (though not all with regret it).  For those teens that choose to be sexually promiscuous, there is the constant risk of sexually transmitted disease and unplanned pregnancies.  Even having sex once can result in something that isn’t in your life plans, changing your life forever.  For most teens, having a child while still in school is not a goal they wish to fulfill.  Every time one has sex (even if it is only once), there is the possibility of getting pregnant.  Having a child completely changes a person (and a couple), sometimes for the better, but almost always for the worse if the couple did not plan the child.  It can tear the relationship apart.  This doesn’t mean that if you get pregnant in high school you should get an abortion in the hopes of keeping your relationship.  Many teenage relationships have still ended even if the child was aborted, often times because of the abortion itself.  To avoid possible regret and unplanned children, teenagers should practice safe sexual activity if they choose to be sexually active.

Not all teen dating is bad; when teenagers have the right goal in mind, marriage, dating is the best thing there is.  Most teenagers don’t date with the thought of marriage in sight; it is the furthest thing in their mind.  The main reasons teenagers date is for fun, for support, for the connection, and to release sexual urges they believe to be common to all human beings.  Many teenagers in this society (the United States) do not date someone because they necessarily love them and wish to marry them.  They just want someone who will love them and/or be there for them physically.  It is very harmful to date someone just because you find them attractive, though.  Once you date someone they will always be the first person you were in a relationship with.  Later down the line you may realize that they aren’t right for you and the time you had with them was spent in vain.  What happens then?  Do you regret the decision to be with that person and refuse to date again?  Or do you take it as a learning experience and decide more carefully who you choose to be your significant other later on in life?

Another problem with dating today is that more and more couples in the United States are starting to live with each other before marriage. Couples see this as a beneficial step towards a successful marriage.  What they fail to recognize, is that living together makes it much easier for them to have premarital sex, creating one of the aforementioned unplanned pregnancies.  Couples such as these are then rushed into marriage before they can spend sufficient time analyzing whether or not they are the right fit for each other.  Young couples are forced into making a lifelong commitment to each other because of an unplanned child, a commitment that is difficult to keep when the couple never truly loved each other to begin with.  It is not surprising that young marriages, between people from 20 to 24 years of age, result in the highest number of divorces.  Young people today do not realize the binding contract they are making with someone when they get married.  Marriage is until “death do you part,” not when “the sex isn’t good anymore.”  The worst thing that anyone could do, regarding marriage, is base a marriage on sex. For a marriage to be pleasant and last, both persons involved need to love each other at both an emotional and spiritual (if not religious) level.  Being in love is easy; continuing to love a person is work.  If a couple truly wants to stay together they have to make the choice to love each other.      

Divorce in the United States is on the rise, a devastating but accurate assertion.  In rare cases divorce is necessary, such as cases of adultery and violence.  There is no reason for a divorce to end just because people refuse to work on their marriage, though.  Too many couples today take the concept of marriage too frivolously.  Marriages continue to subside because people don’t place enough scrutiny on who they decide to marry early on in the relationship. People in the United States today tend to jump into marriage without completely knowing their partner intellectually.  Many marriages end sooner than they should, while others never should have started in the first place.  Chances are if a relationship is rocky when first dating and tensions continue throughout the relationship, the tensions of the relationship will not end once the marriage starts.    

Forming romantic relationships as young teenagers is riskier than most people realize.  When entering a relationship with someone, you give up at least a small part of yourself.  You open up your mind, your thoughts, and let them know who you truly are.  Being in a relationship with someone can be very harmful; when you let someone in, when you put your trust into them, you make yourself vulnerable.  Not to mention, that if you were to have given yourself to them, they will always be the first person you were with physically, something that can never be taken back. One thing everyone must ask themselves before ever committing to a relationship is whether or not it is in their best interest to be with that person.  To date, or not to date, that is the question.     

New Post. Yay!

Okay so I know I haven't posted lately.
I have been uber busy!
So here is a brief summarization of what has been going on lately.
I will be working sound for the play next week.
I started vocal lessons.
Choir is going well and we have a concert for homecoming next week.
I got my first assignment for the school paper, the Lobbyist, today.
I was sworn in as a member to the student senate today.
I have my first two tests tomorrow (not counting my two Biology Lab tests).
I think I'm going to try out for a solo for choir...wish me luck!
I am talking to people a little more and actually starting to be myself.
I'm one of the smartest people here,
which makes getting valedictorian a more achievable goal.
I got offered a cigarrette, and I declined without a second thought.
I wrote a paper about teen dating that I turn in for Honors English tomorrow.
I will add it as another blog so you should read it.
That is how Matt's life is going so far,
minus the stress.
Text me :)
Peace.