I decided tonight that I really want to go to JBU. I've never been happy here and never will be. This post will probably upset people, but I have dealt with being upset by people's behavior for long enough. You may think I'm a hypocrite, and I am okay with that. I am partly being hypocritical because I do some of the same things. But I do it to fit in. I shouldn't have to change who I am to fit in with my friends though. Truth is, everyone has changed. Most for the worst. All everyone seems to do is talk bad about each other. That is not what friends do. We are being like absolutely everyone else. I thought we were friends because we are all followers of God. But, honestly, none of us are being followers of God. Jesus wouldn't act the way we do. I could say the things I have said you all say about each other, but the problems you have with each other are YOUR problem, not mine. I'm done being the friend who listens and tries not to talk bad about anybody, so I'm not going to do it now. But you all say terrible things about each other. I don't understand why you guys are friends with each other the way you treat each other. I started noticing all of this during the summer. During our get-togethers and camping trips I felt like a complete ousider watching people treat each other like crap. I'm sick of being the outsider amongst my friends. I refuse to do it anymore. One bad seed can ruin all of the fruit, and there is definitely a couple bad seeds that are making us un-Godly. Both camping trips I spent more time alone than I did with you guys. Accept I wasn't alone. The whole time I was walking and talking with God. Praying for you guys. Praying we could be better Christians and friends to each other. But to this day we aren't. I'm sad to say that depressed Matt's days of wanting to leave everyone behind have resurfaced. I became un-depressed, but being around you guys makes me depressed all over again. Every time I am around you guys I feel fake and far from God. I don't want that anymore. I choose God over you guys. I don't feel bad for that. I am supposed to put Him before everything and I am going to start to do that. That starts with a change in surroundings. I don't think I can hang out with you guys together anymore. Maybe one-on-one when you actually notice my existence. Not as a group. Our little "friemily" is so disfunctional. Who truly likes each other in it? I know I love you guys, but I don't love your attitudes. And that is what everyone has now is an attitude. I'm tired of hearing complaining. Hypocrite moment I know. But if you are going to be upset with me about complaining then you don't deserve my friendship. A true friend would know how depressed I used to be and how I saw nothing but pain. I felt I had nobody to confind in and that is why I was so unhappy. I have never fully gotten away from that depressed kid. Truth is, I am still him. But you know what, I deserve to be happy. You guys are keeping me from being happy, though. I want to change you guys and have all of us be close to God, but I know that isn't going to happen. You guys barely listen to the things I say and take them the wrong way most of the time. I am terrible at talking about my opinion and feelings, that is why I write them down. That is the only time I feel I am heard. I post tons of Facebook statuses because I have a lot to say and I want people to hear. But I deleted my Facebook accounts (all 3) tonight. I am sick of drama. My last status was saying that Facebook is from Satan, which is true. What good comes from it? It is all fake people pretending to be something they're not to get attention. Attention isn't all it is cracked up to be. I wish I could go back to a friendless nobody somedays. The days when I didn't talk to anybody and all I did was schoolwork. I didn't know all the pain and hate in the world then. I feel more invisible now than I did then. You all said that you would miss me so much when I went to college, but did you? Really? I went a week without anybody communicating with me. I was alone up there and all I wanted was friends back home communicating with me. Do you know I ate over 100 meals alone? I maybe ate 20 to 30 meals with people the whole time I was there. I did homework with people maybe four times. And the only time I hung out with someone was my second to last day, going for ice cream. I felt like a loser. I feel like that everytime I am with "the group" too. You know, I still haven't spent the night at someone's house since 6th grade? Camping trips don't count. I planned a lot of summer activities to get everyone together. Why? Because I didn't want anyone to feel left out like I do everytime people make plans. Most times I'm not invited. I am sick of it. Why do I make plans to be the one who is the outcast. Yeah I am okay with being the outcast if it means someone else isn't, but it has gone on too long. I deserve to go somewhere where I can make a friend who I hang out with all the time, one-on-one. I am hoping I get that at JBU, I may not, but who knows. If it is in God's plan and it builds patience or something else it will be worth it. Maybe it will make me a better psychiatrist...who knows? Either way I know if I stayed here I wouldn't grow and wouldn't be happy. I think I don't deserve to be happy. But I do. I don't care what people secretly think about me without even realizing it. I am not a stereotype, I am an individual and I deserve to be accepted as such. What is the point behind this blog? God. I want God. And I feel like you guys keep me from God. I can't stay far from God because I want to get other people back in His presence. I am my first priority. I am responsible for getting MYSELF close to God, not everyone around me. Act how you want. Say what you want about me. I don't care anymore. God is the one who will judge me for who I was and what was in my heart. I know what is in my heart. You guys are, but you are corrupting me. I used to be so sheltered. I miss those days. I don't want to be the person I have become. I realized that at Waldorf. But none of you would know what happened there because you never asked. You barely skyped me. Four months is a long time to feel alone. But none of you would know. You are too caught up in your unimportant drama. If you don't like each other stop pretending. Don't be rude about it just say "I don't think we are good being friends anymore. We will be better off accepting that we have changed and are different people." I tried saying this tonight. But like always I am cut off and not able to finish what I want to say. Most of you don't really know me, because you don't care to. This is me saying that we aren't the same people we were and it is time for me to move on to be the person God meant me to be. I don't regret anytime spent with you guys because I have grown as a person and have realized where I am supposed to be. I asked God today for a sign of where I should go. Your behavior is what gave me my answer. I am going to JBU and for some of you it will be goodbye after that.
Peace out girlscouts.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Come Home: Warning Excessive Ranting Lies Ahead
Wow.
No posts in over a month.
I have really been trying to escape my thoughts lately.
So here goes laying out everything that has been on my mind.
A song just came on on my Pandora called Come Home.
Here are the lyrics.
Your best friends with the word regret
Your afraid that your life's been wasted
So why hope if it's only gonna let you down?
You don't think people really change
Your a mess and you'll always be the same
And you doubt if you'll ever get it turned around
So (I know) you've been running, searching for something
But you're looking in a place you don't belong
But it's never to late, you can't outrun grace
No, Mercy doesn't care what you've done
Come Home
(Oh, Oh, Oh Oh Oh oh)
Come Home
(Oh, Oh, Oh Oh Oh Oh)
You can try to fix your broken empire
Put bricks on a cracked foundation
But you'll be building castles on the sand
There's power in the blood of Jesus
Your father's screaming Just Come Home!
He's reaching out His hands
From the shadows , From the wrong roads
From the darkness, From the unknown
To redemption, Something beautiful
To a new love, to new home
This song really got to me.
The line that stuck out the most to me was:
"Your father's screaming Just Come Home!"
I've been asking for signs for God to tell me whether I should go to Simpson or JBU,
and I am thinking this is it.
One thing that is making me think I should come home and go to Simpson is because of my mom's condition right now.
I am 3 hours from home and my mom is in the hospital.
I can't do anything or even talk to her.
I'm afraid if I go back home everything will return to how it used to be.
I'll resent my mom again and I won't remember the things I missed when I was all alone.
I am 17 years old,
and I am at a college 3 hours away.
Nobody to confide in here.
Nobody to hang out with.
I have eaten nearly 100 meals alone.
Staying here is not an option.
I'm just so caught on this decision.
I don't want to disappoint anyone with my decision or choose the wrong school like I did Waldorf.
I feel like no matter where I go there are positives,
as well as negatives.
At Simpson I will be around all my old friends.
But in a semester you all graduate and go your separate ways.
We'll stay in touch, yes,
but it won't be the same.
I don't want to come back home for the simple fact I don't want people to see that I came back home.
Do you know what that tells people about me,
that I can't handle life on my own and I crawled back home.
There are people I don't want to see again.
Even 3 hours away I still miss them and want things to end up differently.
If I go back I will get hurt and I know it.
Moving on to JBU...
I have a major problem with fake Christians.
I know JBU will have a lot of those and it will be difficult to surround myself around the type of people who will appreciate me.
All I want is to be appreciated.
I am sick of being overlooked,
like I am nothing.
I keep getting told that I am cocky,
which I'm not.
I'm not even confident.
I try to act like I have self-esteem,
but I don't.
I don't see anything special about me.
I'm average.
I'm a perfectionist...average to me is failing.
I don't want to be average,
I want something that sets me apart from the crowd.
The only thing that does that is my faith.
I am scared I will lose it if I go to Simpson.
But if I have to rely on a college to get me to commit to God than I will never last in the real world.
JBU doesn't seem plausible to me.
It seems like a fairy-tale,
something I want but is out of my reach.
I want to be able to say I went to a Christian college so people think I am a holy person.
But I don't think I am meant to be one of those people who goes to a Christian school and becomes a missionary.
I am the type of person who sits quitely ashamed by the people living in the real world.
I really don't know what to do.
I hate making these life-altering decisions.
I am a passivist,
I don't confront problems.
This decision is a major problem that will affect the rest of my life.
The type of person I become and the type of friends I gain relies on this one decision.
At JBU I would have the oppurtunity to make Christian friends.
If I went to Simpson I would live at home and only talk to you guys.
I wouldn't make any new friends.
I could save a lot of money by going to Simpson and living at home,
but I don't want my decision to be based on money.
Money isn't going to get me eternity in Heaven.
I don't know what to do guys.
Sorry about the rant,
but I need it right now.
Please don't get upset by whatever decision I make.
I only want to please God and get to Heaven.
Part of me wants to live among non-Christians so I have the chance of saving someone.
But I don't think I am capable of that.
I want to be a Christian therapist.
I need to be more knowledgeable about Christianity to do this.
Where is best to learn this?
I am at a crossroads.
Back to the song above,
the lyrics are amazing!
I want to believe this is God speaking to me but I just don't know!
I want to be able to give a definite answer of my choice but I can't.
Part of me is set on JBU,
while the other half never left home.
Any imput on this would be peachy!
Thanks for reading this.
Love you guys! :)
As always: Peace.
No posts in over a month.
I have really been trying to escape my thoughts lately.
So here goes laying out everything that has been on my mind.
A song just came on on my Pandora called Come Home.
Here are the lyrics.
Your best friends with the word regret
Your afraid that your life's been wasted
So why hope if it's only gonna let you down?
You don't think people really change
Your a mess and you'll always be the same
And you doubt if you'll ever get it turned around
So (I know) you've been running, searching for something
But you're looking in a place you don't belong
But it's never to late, you can't outrun grace
No, Mercy doesn't care what you've done
Come Home
(Oh, Oh, Oh Oh Oh oh)
Come Home
(Oh, Oh, Oh Oh Oh Oh)
You can try to fix your broken empire
Put bricks on a cracked foundation
But you'll be building castles on the sand
There's power in the blood of Jesus
Your father's screaming Just Come Home!
He's reaching out His hands
From the shadows , From the wrong roads
From the darkness, From the unknown
To redemption, Something beautiful
To a new love, to new home
This song really got to me.
The line that stuck out the most to me was:
"Your father's screaming Just Come Home!"
I've been asking for signs for God to tell me whether I should go to Simpson or JBU,
and I am thinking this is it.
One thing that is making me think I should come home and go to Simpson is because of my mom's condition right now.
I am 3 hours from home and my mom is in the hospital.
I can't do anything or even talk to her.
I'm afraid if I go back home everything will return to how it used to be.
I'll resent my mom again and I won't remember the things I missed when I was all alone.
I am 17 years old,
and I am at a college 3 hours away.
Nobody to confide in here.
Nobody to hang out with.
I have eaten nearly 100 meals alone.
Staying here is not an option.
I'm just so caught on this decision.
I don't want to disappoint anyone with my decision or choose the wrong school like I did Waldorf.
I feel like no matter where I go there are positives,
as well as negatives.
At Simpson I will be around all my old friends.
But in a semester you all graduate and go your separate ways.
We'll stay in touch, yes,
but it won't be the same.
I don't want to come back home for the simple fact I don't want people to see that I came back home.
Do you know what that tells people about me,
that I can't handle life on my own and I crawled back home.
There are people I don't want to see again.
Even 3 hours away I still miss them and want things to end up differently.
If I go back I will get hurt and I know it.
Moving on to JBU...
I have a major problem with fake Christians.
I know JBU will have a lot of those and it will be difficult to surround myself around the type of people who will appreciate me.
All I want is to be appreciated.
I am sick of being overlooked,
like I am nothing.
I keep getting told that I am cocky,
which I'm not.
I'm not even confident.
I try to act like I have self-esteem,
but I don't.
I don't see anything special about me.
I'm average.
I'm a perfectionist...average to me is failing.
I don't want to be average,
I want something that sets me apart from the crowd.
The only thing that does that is my faith.
I am scared I will lose it if I go to Simpson.
But if I have to rely on a college to get me to commit to God than I will never last in the real world.
JBU doesn't seem plausible to me.
It seems like a fairy-tale,
something I want but is out of my reach.
I want to be able to say I went to a Christian college so people think I am a holy person.
But I don't think I am meant to be one of those people who goes to a Christian school and becomes a missionary.
I am the type of person who sits quitely ashamed by the people living in the real world.
I really don't know what to do.
I hate making these life-altering decisions.
I am a passivist,
I don't confront problems.
This decision is a major problem that will affect the rest of my life.
The type of person I become and the type of friends I gain relies on this one decision.
At JBU I would have the oppurtunity to make Christian friends.
If I went to Simpson I would live at home and only talk to you guys.
I wouldn't make any new friends.
I could save a lot of money by going to Simpson and living at home,
but I don't want my decision to be based on money.
Money isn't going to get me eternity in Heaven.
I don't know what to do guys.
Sorry about the rant,
but I need it right now.
Please don't get upset by whatever decision I make.
I only want to please God and get to Heaven.
Part of me wants to live among non-Christians so I have the chance of saving someone.
But I don't think I am capable of that.
I want to be a Christian therapist.
I need to be more knowledgeable about Christianity to do this.
Where is best to learn this?
I am at a crossroads.
Back to the song above,
the lyrics are amazing!
I want to believe this is God speaking to me but I just don't know!
I want to be able to give a definite answer of my choice but I can't.
Part of me is set on JBU,
while the other half never left home.
Any imput on this would be peachy!
Thanks for reading this.
Love you guys! :)
As always: Peace.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Windmill in the Darkness
This is my first blog in I don't know how long.
I didn't want to blog until now.
I feel like all anyone thinks I do is complain so these past couple of weeks I haven't confided in anybody about how miserable I am here.
The people are terrible!
No godly people in sight.
I have fallen big time and I don't know how to pick myself back up.
Dive right back in by transferring to JBU?
Or stick it out here and try and change people?
I don't believe anymore I can change people.
I'm always that kid that nobody ever has anything to say about.
I am just there.
I don't fit in anywhere.
I talk to people when I am around them,
but they don't want to hang out with me.
I have asked people to do stuff and gotten turned down.
I just want a best friend.
Someone that I am always around and can talk to about anything.
I know I have the friemily,
but you guys are busy with senior year and I'm not going to bother you with my problems.
This is something I need to figure out on my own.
Afterall I am the one who chose to leave.
I am glad I did.
By the lack of communication from people back home,
I can tell I am not missed too greatly.
I went over a week without a single person texting me or communicating with me.
It sucks terribly.
I feel like I am all alone in life again.
This is not how my life was suppose to turn out.
I didn't overcome depression to fall back into it again.
I am going to transfer to JBU.
I cannot take it here any longer.
I need to get further away from my old self.
I won't be missed here.
If I don't like JBU,
so be it.
I will graduate and move on with my life.
At least I will be able to praise God there.
Anyone who claims to be a Christian here doesn't act like it.
I can't save anybody from going to hell,
it's obvious I am not influential.
I will just be that person in the background I guess.
Maybe in heaven I won't be invisible.
I didn't want to blog until now.
I feel like all anyone thinks I do is complain so these past couple of weeks I haven't confided in anybody about how miserable I am here.
The people are terrible!
No godly people in sight.
I have fallen big time and I don't know how to pick myself back up.
Dive right back in by transferring to JBU?
Or stick it out here and try and change people?
I don't believe anymore I can change people.
I'm always that kid that nobody ever has anything to say about.
I am just there.
I don't fit in anywhere.
I talk to people when I am around them,
but they don't want to hang out with me.
I have asked people to do stuff and gotten turned down.
I just want a best friend.
Someone that I am always around and can talk to about anything.
I know I have the friemily,
but you guys are busy with senior year and I'm not going to bother you with my problems.
This is something I need to figure out on my own.
Afterall I am the one who chose to leave.
I am glad I did.
By the lack of communication from people back home,
I can tell I am not missed too greatly.
I went over a week without a single person texting me or communicating with me.
It sucks terribly.
I feel like I am all alone in life again.
This is not how my life was suppose to turn out.
I didn't overcome depression to fall back into it again.
I am going to transfer to JBU.
I cannot take it here any longer.
I need to get further away from my old self.
I won't be missed here.
If I don't like JBU,
so be it.
I will graduate and move on with my life.
At least I will be able to praise God there.
Anyone who claims to be a Christian here doesn't act like it.
I can't save anybody from going to hell,
it's obvious I am not influential.
I will just be that person in the background I guess.
Maybe in heaven I won't be invisible.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Pain
So I finally get to come home this weekend!
I am so excited!
I so need a break from college.
Don't get me wrong, it's nice being on my own,
but it also sucks terribly.
It's difficult living in this world.
There is so much pain and everyone wants to hide behind it instead overcoming it.
I have a problem where I live through other people.
I can see the hidden pain in people and it tears me apart.
I want to be able to fix the world,
but I don't know how.
Hopefully God helps me figure it all out.
Until then,
4 days! :)
I am so excited!
I so need a break from college.
Don't get me wrong, it's nice being on my own,
but it also sucks terribly.
It's difficult living in this world.
There is so much pain and everyone wants to hide behind it instead overcoming it.
I have a problem where I live through other people.
I can see the hidden pain in people and it tears me apart.
I want to be able to fix the world,
but I don't know how.
Hopefully God helps me figure it all out.
Until then,
4 days! :)
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Speak to Me Oh God of Life
So I just submitted an application to BSU (Erika's college).
She thinks I would love it there.
I think I could.
I need a college of Christian values.
I fall to easily without Christian friends surrounding me.
I could really use some prayer.
Prayer for me getting accepted there,
prayer for me knowing what to do right now.
I don't know if I should transfer or stick it out.
I know it is difficult for me here and there is no Christian for me to turn to.
I just need God completely in my life again.
Peace.
She thinks I would love it there.
I think I could.
I need a college of Christian values.
I fall to easily without Christian friends surrounding me.
I could really use some prayer.
Prayer for me getting accepted there,
prayer for me knowing what to do right now.
I don't know if I should transfer or stick it out.
I know it is difficult for me here and there is no Christian for me to turn to.
I just need God completely in my life again.
Peace.
Bad Day
So Bad Day by Daniel Powder came on on my Pandora.
I think that is a good phrase to describe my time here in Forest City.
I don't much like it here.
I still don't really have a friend.
There are a couple of people I talk to,
but we don't really hang out so they can't be considered a friend.
I get the feeling that none of the freshman like me.
I'm sorry I am younger than you and I apply myself instead of getting drunk, high, or having sex.
But honestly I have been a happy go-lucky person the whole time I've been here.
Why haven't I made best friends.
I keep seeing people saying I love you to their friends when they go to different places.
I don't think I will ever have friends like that here.
If I don't have them now I don't see that changing.
I am thinking I'm going to transfer at semester,
but where?
Where am I going to go?
The thoughts of me never being happy no matter where I go that I used to have are starting to seem more real.
What is wrong with me exactly?
Why do I not have friends here?
It's not fair.
I wanna come home.
Peace...I guess.
I think that is a good phrase to describe my time here in Forest City.
I don't much like it here.
I still don't really have a friend.
There are a couple of people I talk to,
but we don't really hang out so they can't be considered a friend.
I get the feeling that none of the freshman like me.
I'm sorry I am younger than you and I apply myself instead of getting drunk, high, or having sex.
But honestly I have been a happy go-lucky person the whole time I've been here.
Why haven't I made best friends.
I keep seeing people saying I love you to their friends when they go to different places.
I don't think I will ever have friends like that here.
If I don't have them now I don't see that changing.
I am thinking I'm going to transfer at semester,
but where?
Where am I going to go?
The thoughts of me never being happy no matter where I go that I used to have are starting to seem more real.
What is wrong with me exactly?
Why do I not have friends here?
It's not fair.
I wanna come home.
Peace...I guess.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Stronger
God is all I want,
He is all I need.
He has made me stronger.
I know that I can do anything because I have Him right there beside me.
I don't need to be mad or upset.
He is all I need.
He is all I want.
If He wasn't my everything I would be miserable.
I don't need to care what other people think or say,
all that matters is God loves me.
I may be a loser and never be popular,
but I have God.
He will listen to me,
I can cry on his shoulder if I need comfort.
No more finding comfort in other people,
God you are all I will ever need.
I know I won't get everything I want,
but you have given me all I need.
Time to be stronger and not focus on negativity,
but focus my attention on the one and only God.
People may not listen to me,
but I know you here what I am saying.
I may not be changing other people,
but I will be changing myself for the better.
No more compromising myself.
God I will listen to music that praises you,
I will avoid sin at all cost.
I just need one thing from you,
the ability to live among sinners without sinning.
I know I am better than sin,
everyone is.
I'm choosing to walk away and towards God.
Peace.
He is all I need.
He has made me stronger.
I know that I can do anything because I have Him right there beside me.
I don't need to be mad or upset.
He is all I need.
He is all I want.
If He wasn't my everything I would be miserable.
I don't need to care what other people think or say,
all that matters is God loves me.
I may be a loser and never be popular,
but I have God.
He will listen to me,
I can cry on his shoulder if I need comfort.
No more finding comfort in other people,
God you are all I will ever need.
I know I won't get everything I want,
but you have given me all I need.
Time to be stronger and not focus on negativity,
but focus my attention on the one and only God.
People may not listen to me,
but I know you here what I am saying.
I may not be changing other people,
but I will be changing myself for the better.
No more compromising myself.
God I will listen to music that praises you,
I will avoid sin at all cost.
I just need one thing from you,
the ability to live among sinners without sinning.
I know I am better than sin,
everyone is.
I'm choosing to walk away and towards God.
Peace.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Strong. Together or Apart.
So the general consensus that I collect is that everyone misses the summer.
Correct?
Yes.
It was thee best summer I know.
But the truth is,
you can't let focusing on how things were then
determine your opinion on life now.
SEW has been virtually the same right?
Yeah because nobody is willing to step up and change it.
Ashley Carrie and Cassandra you guys are in charge of changing SEW now.
I know it sucks and it is not likely to happen,
but you have to at least try.
Don't change to match SEW.
Be the same person you were with our group,
if you don't fit in
then why fit in?
Everyone thinks I'm mature,
but the truth is I have just learned from my mistakes and know now what works for me and what doesn't.
You three need to figure that out too.
I wish I could be there to help you but God has called me to be here,
He led me here to impact people.
He left you guys there to impact people.
I know you guys can.
Remember tri-state Cassandra?
ARK...act of random kindness.
That's all you guys need to do.
Be positive and hold doors for people.
Be happy and stay out of the drama.
Be good friends to each other and talk out your problems.
That is how you will change SEW.
You guys aren't alone either.
You have people to help you,
just let them know you need their help and let them in.
That is something Erick and I never did.
You guys have impacted us just as much as we have impacted you.
You don't need us to be yourselves.
So go out there and be yourselves.
If you don't change SEW so what?
Graduate and move on with your lives.
You guys can handle senior sear!
Peace and Love gals :)
Correct?
Yes.
It was thee best summer I know.
But the truth is,
you can't let focusing on how things were then
determine your opinion on life now.
SEW has been virtually the same right?
Yeah because nobody is willing to step up and change it.
Ashley Carrie and Cassandra you guys are in charge of changing SEW now.
I know it sucks and it is not likely to happen,
but you have to at least try.
Don't change to match SEW.
Be the same person you were with our group,
if you don't fit in
then why fit in?
Everyone thinks I'm mature,
but the truth is I have just learned from my mistakes and know now what works for me and what doesn't.
You three need to figure that out too.
I wish I could be there to help you but God has called me to be here,
He led me here to impact people.
He left you guys there to impact people.
I know you guys can.
Remember tri-state Cassandra?
ARK...act of random kindness.
That's all you guys need to do.
Be positive and hold doors for people.
Be happy and stay out of the drama.
Be good friends to each other and talk out your problems.
That is how you will change SEW.
You guys aren't alone either.
You have people to help you,
just let them know you need their help and let them in.
That is something Erick and I never did.
You guys have impacted us just as much as we have impacted you.
You don't need us to be yourselves.
So go out there and be yourselves.
If you don't change SEW so what?
Graduate and move on with your lives.
You guys can handle senior sear!
Peace and Love gals :)
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Take Me As I Am
I just finished making note cards for Biology,
and I have a ton of homework still!
So I feel like rewarding myself with a little blogging.
It has been brought to my knowledge that my blog can sometimes be upsetting to people.
But it shouldn't.
Because the truth is I have been happier than I have ever been ever since tri-state time.
Have I fallen from God lately?
Big time!
Have I let it keep me from Him?
Yes and no.
The thing with me and God is,
we don't really see eye to eye.
He knows what He has planned for me,
I don't.
This frustrates me big time!
You should all know how planned I am,
I want everything to be structured and know how my life is going.
I know that isn't how it is going to be with God,
but I am stubborn.
I'm going to keep my life plans because that is what keeps me focused.
I just need to focus on God too.
The way I plan on doing this is by being as caring as I can be.
You know I'm not perfect,
I have my "insert sin here" that keeps me from the glory of God.
But you know that doesn't matter as much as being loving.
Yes I ask for forgiveness for my sins,
and I know I'm forgiven.
As we all are.
You can sin when and how you want,
fine by me.
As long as you learn from it,
that is fine by me.
I don't expect perfection from people anymore.
I've found that role models let you down every time.
I am trying to be my own role model now.
The only way I can impact other people is by first impacting myself.
I learned how to do that at some point.
I learned to love myself,
though I don't know when.
I have found it is much easier to love other people now that I have.
Don't try loving other people until you love yourself.
Once you love yourself,
love everyone more than you do yourself.
Look out for their best interests,
that is what I'm learning to do.
I know you have all messed up,
and I don't care.
That is between you and God,
it's not my place to judge.
God calls me to love above all else.
Anything I may say that comes off as judgment,
is my care for your well-being coming out.
I love you all!
I say I love you a lot now,
and it is a phrase I was never able to say before.
I didn't love for the longest time.
I hated love.
But love is happiness.
Which is why I am so happy now.
So when you read my deep, thoughtful, mournful, and depressing posts,
remember that I am happy (but don't be afraid to ask if I'm okay :))
How could I be unhappy anymore?
Yeah I have my bad days,
and I know it seems like I'm still depressed but I'm not.
At least not anymore.
These posts are my outlet to get out any upsetting thoughts I may have.
Once they are out I can move forward.
I love you guys so much!
It's hard to believe at one point in my life I wanted to leave all of you behind,
focus on being successful.
But with that mindset I never would have been successful.
You guys are what drive me to succeed now.
I want to succeed for you guys.
Prove to you that your belief in me was not wasted.
I know I have immense potential,
but so do all of you.
I believe in you guys completely.
You can do anything you set your minds to!
Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
Are there going to be obstacles in all of our lives that hault our success?
Of course.
But power through,
you'll make it.
And I will be right there with you every step of your journey.
In heart and spirit I will always be with you guys.
Even when I am living who knows where,
who knows how far from you guys.
You are all in my life for a reason.
Remember that I am always here to talk to.
I know it's difficult to talk to someone when your down,
or caught up in your sin.
But come to me anyways.
I'm not going to judge you and I won't preach at you if that is not what you want.
I will not watch any of you get to a place I was,
so just love.
Love yourself enough to confide in me. :)
My name is Matthew and I am an awesome person. I will change people's lives and make a difference in this world, it may not be huge, but it will be a difference nonetheless.
My name is Matthew and I have amazing friends (this includes you Erick).
My name is Matthew and I am confident in my self.
My name is Matthew and through God I can do all things for He gives me strength.
My name is Matthew and I stole Carrie's trademark but she is okay with it because she loves her bro :)
My name is Matthew and I am going to be Valedictorian and Student Body President.
My name is Matthew and I am an overachieving nerd. :)
My name is Matthew and I have screwed up a lot, but I keep holding on becasue I believe the worst is over.
My name is Matthew and I believe God calls us all to love each other no matter what sins the Bible may condemn.
My name is Matthew and I believe there is no such thing as a "worse sin." If you condemn anybody you are being hypocritical.
My name is Matthew and I'm not exactly sure who I am, but God will lead me to the answer one day.
My name is Matthew and I no longer regret past decisions.
My name is Matthew and I am happy because of all of you.
My name is Matthew and I need to get back to homework.
My name is Matthew and I will be there for anyone who needs me whenever they need me from now on.
My name is Matthew and I'm not the most attractive person and I am afraid of being in a relationship.
My name is Matthew and I am an open book, though my story is still being written and edited. So don't judge me until you have read the whole series (yes series, I am too complex for 1 book; that is the lazy way out)
My name is Matthew and I always end blogs with one word...
Peace.
and I have a ton of homework still!
So I feel like rewarding myself with a little blogging.
It has been brought to my knowledge that my blog can sometimes be upsetting to people.
But it shouldn't.
Because the truth is I have been happier than I have ever been ever since tri-state time.
Have I fallen from God lately?
Big time!
Have I let it keep me from Him?
Yes and no.
The thing with me and God is,
we don't really see eye to eye.
He knows what He has planned for me,
I don't.
This frustrates me big time!
You should all know how planned I am,
I want everything to be structured and know how my life is going.
I know that isn't how it is going to be with God,
but I am stubborn.
I'm going to keep my life plans because that is what keeps me focused.
I just need to focus on God too.
The way I plan on doing this is by being as caring as I can be.
You know I'm not perfect,
I have my "insert sin here" that keeps me from the glory of God.
But you know that doesn't matter as much as being loving.
Yes I ask for forgiveness for my sins,
and I know I'm forgiven.
As we all are.
You can sin when and how you want,
fine by me.
As long as you learn from it,
that is fine by me.
I don't expect perfection from people anymore.
I've found that role models let you down every time.
I am trying to be my own role model now.
The only way I can impact other people is by first impacting myself.
I learned how to do that at some point.
I learned to love myself,
though I don't know when.
I have found it is much easier to love other people now that I have.
Don't try loving other people until you love yourself.
Once you love yourself,
love everyone more than you do yourself.
Look out for their best interests,
that is what I'm learning to do.
I know you have all messed up,
and I don't care.
That is between you and God,
it's not my place to judge.
God calls me to love above all else.
Anything I may say that comes off as judgment,
is my care for your well-being coming out.
I love you all!
I say I love you a lot now,
and it is a phrase I was never able to say before.
I didn't love for the longest time.
I hated love.
But love is happiness.
Which is why I am so happy now.
So when you read my deep, thoughtful, mournful, and depressing posts,
remember that I am happy (but don't be afraid to ask if I'm okay :))
How could I be unhappy anymore?
Yeah I have my bad days,
and I know it seems like I'm still depressed but I'm not.
At least not anymore.
These posts are my outlet to get out any upsetting thoughts I may have.
Once they are out I can move forward.
I love you guys so much!
It's hard to believe at one point in my life I wanted to leave all of you behind,
focus on being successful.
But with that mindset I never would have been successful.
You guys are what drive me to succeed now.
I want to succeed for you guys.
Prove to you that your belief in me was not wasted.
I know I have immense potential,
but so do all of you.
I believe in you guys completely.
You can do anything you set your minds to!
Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
Are there going to be obstacles in all of our lives that hault our success?
Of course.
But power through,
you'll make it.
And I will be right there with you every step of your journey.
In heart and spirit I will always be with you guys.
Even when I am living who knows where,
who knows how far from you guys.
You are all in my life for a reason.
Remember that I am always here to talk to.
I know it's difficult to talk to someone when your down,
or caught up in your sin.
But come to me anyways.
I'm not going to judge you and I won't preach at you if that is not what you want.
I will not watch any of you get to a place I was,
so just love.
Love yourself enough to confide in me. :)
My name is Matthew and I am an awesome person. I will change people's lives and make a difference in this world, it may not be huge, but it will be a difference nonetheless.
My name is Matthew and I have amazing friends (this includes you Erick).
My name is Matthew and I am confident in my self.
My name is Matthew and through God I can do all things for He gives me strength.
My name is Matthew and I stole Carrie's trademark but she is okay with it because she loves her bro :)
My name is Matthew and I am going to be Valedictorian and Student Body President.
My name is Matthew and I am an overachieving nerd. :)
My name is Matthew and I have screwed up a lot, but I keep holding on becasue I believe the worst is over.
My name is Matthew and I believe God calls us all to love each other no matter what sins the Bible may condemn.
My name is Matthew and I believe there is no such thing as a "worse sin." If you condemn anybody you are being hypocritical.
My name is Matthew and I'm not exactly sure who I am, but God will lead me to the answer one day.
My name is Matthew and I no longer regret past decisions.
My name is Matthew and I am happy because of all of you.
My name is Matthew and I need to get back to homework.
My name is Matthew and I will be there for anyone who needs me whenever they need me from now on.
My name is Matthew and I'm not the most attractive person and I am afraid of being in a relationship.
My name is Matthew and I am an open book, though my story is still being written and edited. So don't judge me until you have read the whole series (yes series, I am too complex for 1 book; that is the lazy way out)
My name is Matthew and I always end blogs with one word...
Peace.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Pictures of You
So this is my third blog tonight, I know.
But this one is more necessary than the others I think.
The song 'Pictures of You' by 'The Last Goodnight' just came on on my Pandora.
When it came on it got to me.
That was one of my favorite songs back when Kim was still here.
It was the first song I set as her ringtone and it was the song I was listening to when she called me the first time.
I really miss you Kim!
I cried for the first time about it writing on your wall.
I think I have tried to pretend it didn't happen.
I want to believe you just transfered schools and it didn't really happen.
Why would God do that?
I don't understand!
I wish you were here.
Life would be so different if you were.
I would probably still be in high school at SEW.
I know God has a plan for everything,
but I really don't understand this one.
When I heard this song Carrie,
I picked up the photo you gave me and that started my reminissence.
I love you sis.
I love everyone who is reading this blog.
That means you Cassandra, Ashley, Tayler, Chrissy, and Erick.
I don't want to lose any of you,
ever.
Just a little peace of my mind...
But this one is more necessary than the others I think.
The song 'Pictures of You' by 'The Last Goodnight' just came on on my Pandora.
When it came on it got to me.
That was one of my favorite songs back when Kim was still here.
It was the first song I set as her ringtone and it was the song I was listening to when she called me the first time.
I really miss you Kim!
I cried for the first time about it writing on your wall.
I think I have tried to pretend it didn't happen.
I want to believe you just transfered schools and it didn't really happen.
Why would God do that?
I don't understand!
I wish you were here.
Life would be so different if you were.
I would probably still be in high school at SEW.
I know God has a plan for everything,
but I really don't understand this one.
When I heard this song Carrie,
I picked up the photo you gave me and that started my reminissence.
I love you sis.
I love everyone who is reading this blog.
That means you Cassandra, Ashley, Tayler, Chrissy, and Erick.
I don't want to lose any of you,
ever.
Just a little peace of my mind...
That is the Question
To Date, or Not to Date?
In the current age, 2011, many American teens spend their free time watching television and movies. In almost every movie created in the United States, part of the plot involves a love interest between the male lead and his attractive female counterpart. The relationship is generally based on the physical aspects of a person rather than love. These depictions of relationships greatly influence the minds of American youth. As these children become teenagers, they begin to date and form romantic relationships, basing their decisions of who they would like to be their significant other on appearance. Teenagers don’t try to fully analyze the similar interests they may have with each other; they are more focused on getting to “know” each other better. This type of behavior is very harmful to young people. What teenagers fail to realize is that when they sleep with someone their bodies make a promise whether they intend to or not. Every teenager needs to decide (with their mind and body) whether or not they are ready for the commitment that comes with dating and physical relations.
As humans teenagers have a longing for love and companionship. They yearn for someone to care about them at an emotional (as well as physical) level. During times when teenagers are feeling down, when they are unable to handle all of the stress and responsibility that is being thrown upon them, they want someone around to converse with. Teenagers, girls especially, try to find comfort in someone else. They look for someone who will be there to comfort them when they are upset; a person who can hold them in their arms and say, “Everything will be okay.”
What teenage girls do not realize is that teenage guys aren’t usually looking for the same thing in a relationship as they are. Teenage guys may be there to hold and comfort their girlfriends during times of distress, but they are usually expecting to get “a little more” out of the deal. Guys usually date girls in high school with one goal in mind, getting laid. It is an upsetting, but accurate statement. This doesn’t mean that teenage guys only care about sex, it just means that it is the largest force in their mind. Due to hormones, an increasing amount of testosterone, and the animal instinct to reproduce sex is a constant idea in teenage males’ heads. Guys date girls because they find them attractive. At some time or another, hormones help in turning this attraction into lust; if it didn’t start as such. Eventually in the relationship sex will become an option.
Teenagers do have a choice in whether or not they practice abstinence within their relationships. Whether they believe it or not, no is always a response they can utilize. In fact, “no” is the response all teenagers should be using in their relationship, at least until both parties reach a common consensus about sex. When thinking about “taking the next step” in their relationships, teenagers do not always evaluate it fully. Often times, teenage couples start having a physical connection when they aren’t quite ready for one. This can be very harmful to their relationship.
Sex changes a relationship, sometimes for the better, but often for the worse. Adding physical activity to a relationship adds to the complexity of that relationship. Once one starts having sex (in most cases) they usually want it to continue. If one person in the relationship decides that they no longer want to continue the physical part of their relationship, one of three things most commonly occurs. One thing that can happen when one is approached by their partner about ending their sexual activity involves the person asked halting their sex life, thus respecting their partner’s wishes and no longer having sex. More common than ending sexual activity within a relationship is persistence by the one approached in continuing their sexual activity. When this occurs the person wanting to abstain from sex has two choices, compromising their decision and continuing to have sex or ending the relationship. If a couple plans to stay together for the “long-haul,” the answer isn’t always yes when it comes to sex. Sometimes it is better to know to say no.
When teenagers abstain from having premarital sex during their relationships, they protect themselves from possible regret later on in life (though not all with regret it). For those teens that choose to be sexually promiscuous, there is the constant risk of sexually transmitted disease and unplanned pregnancies. Even having sex once can result in something that isn’t in your life plans, changing your life forever. For most teens, having a child while still in school is not a goal they wish to fulfill. Every time one has sex (even if it is only once), there is the possibility of getting pregnant. Having a child completely changes a person (and a couple), sometimes for the better, but almost always for the worse if the couple did not plan the child. It can tear the relationship apart. This doesn’t mean that if you get pregnant in high school you should get an abortion in the hopes of keeping your relationship. Many teenage relationships have still ended even if the child was aborted, often times because of the abortion itself. To avoid possible regret and unplanned children, teenagers should practice safe sexual activity if they choose to be sexually active.
Not all teen dating is bad; when teenagers have the right goal in mind, marriage, dating is the best thing there is. Most teenagers don’t date with the thought of marriage in sight; it is the furthest thing in their mind. The main reasons teenagers date is for fun, for support, for the connection, and to release sexual urges they believe to be common to all human beings. Many teenagers in this society (the United States) do not date someone because they necessarily love them and wish to marry them. They just want someone who will love them and/or be there for them physically. It is very harmful to date someone just because you find them attractive, though. Once you date someone they will always be the first person you were in a relationship with. Later down the line you may realize that they aren’t right for you and the time you had with them was spent in vain. What happens then? Do you regret the decision to be with that person and refuse to date again? Or do you take it as a learning experience and decide more carefully who you choose to be your significant other later on in life?
Another problem with dating today is that more and more couples in the United States are starting to live with each other before marriage. Couples see this as a beneficial step towards a successful marriage. What they fail to recognize, is that living together makes it much easier for them to have premarital sex, creating one of the aforementioned unplanned pregnancies. Couples such as these are then rushed into marriage before they can spend sufficient time analyzing whether or not they are the right fit for each other. Young couples are forced into making a lifelong commitment to each other because of an unplanned child, a commitment that is difficult to keep when the couple never truly loved each other to begin with. It is not surprising that young marriages, between people from 20 to 24 years of age, result in the highest number of divorces. Young people today do not realize the binding contract they are making with someone when they get married. Marriage is until “death do you part,” not when “the sex isn’t good anymore.” The worst thing that anyone could do, regarding marriage, is base a marriage on sex. For a marriage to be pleasant and last, both persons involved need to love each other at both an emotional and spiritual (if not religious) level. Being in love is easy; continuing to love a person is work. If a couple truly wants to stay together they have to make the choice to love each other.
Divorce in the United States is on the rise, a devastating but accurate assertion. In rare cases divorce is necessary, such as cases of adultery and violence. There is no reason for a divorce to end just because people refuse to work on their marriage, though. Too many couples today take the concept of marriage too frivolously. Marriages continue to subside because people don’t place enough scrutiny on who they decide to marry early on in the relationship. People in the United States today tend to jump into marriage without completely knowing their partner intellectually. Many marriages end sooner than they should, while others never should have started in the first place. Chances are if a relationship is rocky when first dating and tensions continue throughout the relationship, the tensions of the relationship will not end once the marriage starts.
Forming romantic relationships as young teenagers is riskier than most people realize. When entering a relationship with someone, you give up at least a small part of yourself. You open up your mind, your thoughts, and let them know who you truly are. Being in a relationship with someone can be very harmful; when you let someone in, when you put your trust into them, you make yourself vulnerable. Not to mention, that if you were to have given yourself to them, they will always be the first person you were with physically, something that can never be taken back. One thing everyone must ask themselves before ever committing to a relationship is whether or not it is in their best interest to be with that person. To date, or not to date, that is the question.
New Post. Yay!
Okay so I know I haven't posted lately.
I have been uber busy!
So here is a brief summarization of what has been going on lately.
I will be working sound for the play next week.
I started vocal lessons.
Choir is going well and we have a concert for homecoming next week.
I got my first assignment for the school paper, the Lobbyist, today.
I was sworn in as a member to the student senate today.
I have my first two tests tomorrow (not counting my two Biology Lab tests).
I think I'm going to try out for a solo for choir...wish me luck!
I am talking to people a little more and actually starting to be myself.
I'm one of the smartest people here,
which makes getting valedictorian a more achievable goal.
I got offered a cigarrette, and I declined without a second thought.
I wrote a paper about teen dating that I turn in for Honors English tomorrow.
I will add it as another blog so you should read it.
That is how Matt's life is going so far,
minus the stress.
Text me :)
Peace.
I have been uber busy!
So here is a brief summarization of what has been going on lately.
I will be working sound for the play next week.
I started vocal lessons.
Choir is going well and we have a concert for homecoming next week.
I got my first assignment for the school paper, the Lobbyist, today.
I was sworn in as a member to the student senate today.
I have my first two tests tomorrow (not counting my two Biology Lab tests).
I think I'm going to try out for a solo for choir...wish me luck!
I am talking to people a little more and actually starting to be myself.
I'm one of the smartest people here,
which makes getting valedictorian a more achievable goal.
I got offered a cigarrette, and I declined without a second thought.
I wrote a paper about teen dating that I turn in for Honors English tomorrow.
I will add it as another blog so you should read it.
That is how Matt's life is going so far,
minus the stress.
Text me :)
Peace.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Confusing Creator
I really don't understand God sometimes,
more like all the time.
Why on earth (no pun intended) did He create this world and all the people in it?
I mean He created a world of sinners,
people who live not according to His master plan,
what He created them to be.
Instead of praising Him and loving Him like they should,
people live in their sin and keep Him completely out of their lives.
For a long time I did that myself,
and it is the worst pain anyone can ever be in.
It hurts me to see people living their lives the wrong way,
I can't even imagine how God must feel all the time.
Knowing that His children aren't going down the right path.
Knowing that they are in pain,
wanting to comfort them but all they do is ignore Him.
Drink away their problems.
Have sex with strangers to fill the emptiness within them.
And what I believe to be the worst thing anyone can do,
is to have such a great self-hatred that they attempt to take their own life.
The life He gave them,
the life He had a plan for.
This one really hits home for me,
because I tried to kill myself.
Not even a year ago.
I was so unhappy then.
I down-right hated myself and the person I thought I was.
Every single day was a struggle for me.
From 8th grade up until 11th.
It was nobody's fault but my own (so don't try to blame yourself Erick).
I was caught up in my sin.
I thought my sin was me.
I thought God could never love me,
because nobody else loved me.
Nobody cared. (or so I thought)
To me then,
the world was a place of fake people.
People who said one thing to your face and another to other people.
I saw the way people treated each other and it cut me deep.
I didn't have a social life so I lived through other people.
Their pain became my pain.
Whenever I would see someone I deeply cared about upset I knew it and it completely brought me down.
They would be better an hour later but my day would be ruined.
I still knew they were hurting,
and there was nothing I could do about it.
I mean I couldn't even get rid of my own pain in life.
The pain of not having a best friend.
Someone to call when I felt like taking my life.
There were people I could have gone to,
but to be honest,
I didn't want them to help me.
There was only one person I thought who could make me feel good about myself.
And all they did was bring me down every day.
I shouldn't blame them for my depression,
but they were definitely the center of it.
Because they didn't want to be my friend,
I overanalyzed all my other friendships and every little slightly rude comment tore me down.
I thought that those comments meant they didn't want me in their life either.
Every sporting event I went to I went home and cried,
dances too.
They really hurt for me because I saw everyone else having a good time with their friends and I was usually alone.
I could have sat by people but I was to stubborn to go and sit by them.
I am still to this day too scared to sit by people,
even my friends.
I am afraid that they don't want me to sit by them.
I don't want to seem like a follower.
Or annoy them.
One of my biggest fears is to be talked about behind my back.
I know it's stupid and I shouldn't care what people think of me,
but I do.
I want to be liked.
I can't serve God if people don't like me.
And the last thing I want is to be useless to God.
I want to save someone from themselves and their life of sin.
Just one person and I will know my life had meaning.
Right now I feel as if my life has been nothing so far.
That I have just floated by.
I really hope I'm at least impacking someone's life.
I don't want anyone to ever be in the dark place I was.
The place where the only thing that keeps you going is fear.
I never want to go there again.
But I am afraid I might go into a bad place at college.
It's hard being on your own.
There are bad decisions being made everywhere you look.
It's hard to be the one who doesn't cuss or drink or have sex or get high.
I don't want to be around people like that,
but I know I can't just runaway from people because they sin.
That isn't what Jesus would have done so I can't do it either.
It's going to be really hard to influence people here though.
I am the baby to them.
Why would they listen to my input on life?
I'm only 17,
I haven't lived close to a full life to be wise.
I don't think I am wise,
at all.
I just know what is dumb and what isn't.
I make bad decisions in the moment.
I change myself to fit the people I am around.
That is something I really need to work on.
I know I am great how I am.
God created me this way,
so He obviously has some plan.
He has some plan for me here because this is where He led me.
I have no clue what that is,
and I know it will be a bumpy ride,
but I believe I can do it.
I can do ALL things in Christ Jesus.
While everyone else is living "the college life,"
I'm going to be studying and occupying my time with productive activities.
My future is what is important to me.
I don't want to be successful for me,
but for other people.
I want to be in a position where I can actually make a difference financially.
I want to adopt children who come from a bad life.
I want to change as many lives as possible.
I don't want people to live miserable lives or be unhappy.
I know God loves me,
He is always there for me (though I ignore it a lot of the time).
I need to be the type of person who shows other people God's love,
by loving sinners.
I need to be like Jesus.
That is going to be difficult,
especially in college!
People want to sin here,
they don't want to find God.
So looks like I become a ninja and sneak God upon them!
You can run sinners,
you can hide,
but you can't escape God's love.
And you sure as all get out aren't changing me.
I'll change you,
God will change you.
But you won't get the best of me!
Bring it on college,
I am ready to change you!
Then I'm coming for you "real world."
Prepare yourself to meet your Savior,
Lord Jesus. :)
Peace for now.
more like all the time.
Why on earth (no pun intended) did He create this world and all the people in it?
I mean He created a world of sinners,
people who live not according to His master plan,
what He created them to be.
Instead of praising Him and loving Him like they should,
people live in their sin and keep Him completely out of their lives.
For a long time I did that myself,
and it is the worst pain anyone can ever be in.
It hurts me to see people living their lives the wrong way,
I can't even imagine how God must feel all the time.
Knowing that His children aren't going down the right path.
Knowing that they are in pain,
wanting to comfort them but all they do is ignore Him.
Drink away their problems.
Have sex with strangers to fill the emptiness within them.
And what I believe to be the worst thing anyone can do,
is to have such a great self-hatred that they attempt to take their own life.
The life He gave them,
the life He had a plan for.
This one really hits home for me,
because I tried to kill myself.
Not even a year ago.
I was so unhappy then.
I down-right hated myself and the person I thought I was.
Every single day was a struggle for me.
From 8th grade up until 11th.
It was nobody's fault but my own (so don't try to blame yourself Erick).
I was caught up in my sin.
I thought my sin was me.
I thought God could never love me,
because nobody else loved me.
Nobody cared. (or so I thought)
To me then,
the world was a place of fake people.
People who said one thing to your face and another to other people.
I saw the way people treated each other and it cut me deep.
I didn't have a social life so I lived through other people.
Their pain became my pain.
Whenever I would see someone I deeply cared about upset I knew it and it completely brought me down.
They would be better an hour later but my day would be ruined.
I still knew they were hurting,
and there was nothing I could do about it.
I mean I couldn't even get rid of my own pain in life.
The pain of not having a best friend.
Someone to call when I felt like taking my life.
There were people I could have gone to,
but to be honest,
I didn't want them to help me.
There was only one person I thought who could make me feel good about myself.
And all they did was bring me down every day.
I shouldn't blame them for my depression,
but they were definitely the center of it.
Because they didn't want to be my friend,
I overanalyzed all my other friendships and every little slightly rude comment tore me down.
I thought that those comments meant they didn't want me in their life either.
Every sporting event I went to I went home and cried,
dances too.
They really hurt for me because I saw everyone else having a good time with their friends and I was usually alone.
I could have sat by people but I was to stubborn to go and sit by them.
I am still to this day too scared to sit by people,
even my friends.
I am afraid that they don't want me to sit by them.
I don't want to seem like a follower.
Or annoy them.
One of my biggest fears is to be talked about behind my back.
I know it's stupid and I shouldn't care what people think of me,
but I do.
I want to be liked.
I can't serve God if people don't like me.
And the last thing I want is to be useless to God.
I want to save someone from themselves and their life of sin.
Just one person and I will know my life had meaning.
Right now I feel as if my life has been nothing so far.
That I have just floated by.
I really hope I'm at least impacking someone's life.
I don't want anyone to ever be in the dark place I was.
The place where the only thing that keeps you going is fear.
I never want to go there again.
But I am afraid I might go into a bad place at college.
It's hard being on your own.
There are bad decisions being made everywhere you look.
It's hard to be the one who doesn't cuss or drink or have sex or get high.
I don't want to be around people like that,
but I know I can't just runaway from people because they sin.
That isn't what Jesus would have done so I can't do it either.
It's going to be really hard to influence people here though.
I am the baby to them.
Why would they listen to my input on life?
I'm only 17,
I haven't lived close to a full life to be wise.
I don't think I am wise,
at all.
I just know what is dumb and what isn't.
I make bad decisions in the moment.
I change myself to fit the people I am around.
That is something I really need to work on.
I know I am great how I am.
God created me this way,
so He obviously has some plan.
He has some plan for me here because this is where He led me.
I have no clue what that is,
and I know it will be a bumpy ride,
but I believe I can do it.
I can do ALL things in Christ Jesus.
While everyone else is living "the college life,"
I'm going to be studying and occupying my time with productive activities.
My future is what is important to me.
I don't want to be successful for me,
but for other people.
I want to be in a position where I can actually make a difference financially.
I want to adopt children who come from a bad life.
I want to change as many lives as possible.
I don't want people to live miserable lives or be unhappy.
I know God loves me,
He is always there for me (though I ignore it a lot of the time).
I need to be the type of person who shows other people God's love,
by loving sinners.
I need to be like Jesus.
That is going to be difficult,
especially in college!
People want to sin here,
they don't want to find God.
So looks like I become a ninja and sneak God upon them!
You can run sinners,
you can hide,
but you can't escape God's love.
And you sure as all get out aren't changing me.
I'll change you,
God will change you.
But you won't get the best of me!
Bring it on college,
I am ready to change you!
Then I'm coming for you "real world."
Prepare yourself to meet your Savior,
Lord Jesus. :)
Peace for now.
He is All You Need
If I could do it over again.
Change all the things that I have been.
If I could relive it once again.
I wouldn't change a thing,
you know what I mean?
This life was made for me!
This life was made for me to see.
Everything happens to be,
in God's plan,
so raise up your hand.
Praise the One,
the Great I AM!
The one who saved you from your sin,
is greater than any other friend.
He is all you need.
Don't be afraid to follow Him.
Take up your cross,
lay down your sin.
He is all you need.
If He is all you want.
Live your life for Him.
He will give you everything,
just ask for it,
in purity.
And He will give you everything you see.
As long as you use it to honor Him,
you'll live abuntantly.
Live abundantly.
For He is all you need!
Change all the things that I have been.
If I could relive it once again.
I wouldn't change a thing,
you know what I mean?
This life was made for me!
This life was made for me to see.
Everything happens to be,
in God's plan,
so raise up your hand.
Praise the One,
the Great I AM!
The one who saved you from your sin,
is greater than any other friend.
He is all you need.
Don't be afraid to follow Him.
Take up your cross,
lay down your sin.
He is all you need.
If He is all you want.
Live your life for Him.
He will give you everything,
just ask for it,
in purity.
And He will give you everything you see.
As long as you use it to honor Him,
you'll live abuntantly.
Live abundantly.
For He is all you need!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Stupid Gmail
So, I was just on my email,
and the person I liked for 3 years was online.
I really wanted to start a chat with them,
but I know that would have been stupid.
Stupid like me emailing them the url to get to my blog.
Stupid like me typing notes in history for each section,
just so I could give my notes to them.
Stupid like me using copying each others notes as an excuse to talk to each other.
Stupid like me thinking we were friends.
Stupid like me thinking they cared.
Stupid like me,
writing this blog right now just because I hope they read it.
Stupid like me wanting them to read.
Stupid like me still wanting to talk to them.
Stupid like me missing them.
Though it may seem stupid,
I don't believe it's ignorant of me.
I know they have a good heart,
and are a good person.
I just wish they realized it and didn't try to be someone they're not.
I still care about them.
And if they are reading this,
I'm sure you know who you are.
Then you obviously care.
Don't be stupid and just read my blog,
email or text me.
Because, for some odd reason,
I still care about you a lot.
Peace.
and the person I liked for 3 years was online.
I really wanted to start a chat with them,
but I know that would have been stupid.
Stupid like me emailing them the url to get to my blog.
Stupid like me typing notes in history for each section,
just so I could give my notes to them.
Stupid like me using copying each others notes as an excuse to talk to each other.
Stupid like me thinking we were friends.
Stupid like me thinking they cared.
Stupid like me,
writing this blog right now just because I hope they read it.
Stupid like me wanting them to read.
Stupid like me still wanting to talk to them.
Stupid like me missing them.
Though it may seem stupid,
I don't believe it's ignorant of me.
I know they have a good heart,
and are a good person.
I just wish they realized it and didn't try to be someone they're not.
I still care about them.
And if they are reading this,
I'm sure you know who you are.
Then you obviously care.
Don't be stupid and just read my blog,
email or text me.
Because, for some odd reason,
I still care about you a lot.
Peace.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Real World: Day 1
So today was my first day of college.
It went fairly well!
I think I am really going to like theatre!
We played a lot of fun games to get to know each other.
Like freeze, what are you doing,
among a lot of other things.
I managed to cut up my leg during one of the games.
We were all pretending to be chixkens running from a bomb that was about to explode.
Me being the clever comedian I am,
purposefully ran into a glass trophy case.
Obviously a chicken is going to be dumb and run into things!
This hilarious big black girl told me that it was hilarious!
Not to mention that I ate the best Cheesecake ever!
I am pretty sure that I got hit on today so that was a self-esteem boost!
It feels like I have been here a week already,
and I have known these people for ages!
I know I am going to fit in just fine here!
I got people to play bananagrams and my roommate and I were up until 1 watching funny youtube videos.
I like my roommate he is pretty cool!
Day 2:
Today me and my roommate woke up an hour earlier than we needed to,
so we spent that time playing cards.
After breakfast we went on a scavenger hunt and my team won!
Then we had a water balloon fight which was great!
Then me and my roommate played cards some more while we waited to go to dinner.
Then came auditions.
I didn't get cast,
but I had fun and I got people to laugh and I was told I was funny.
I know I'll be cast later so it's no biggy.
After auditions we went bowling and then had root beer floats.
It was a good day,
but I still miss home.
I miss my friends and hanging out everyday.
But, I know you are all with me.
Carrie, I know you're reading this,
every time I get homesick I just look at the picture you gave me and it makes me feel better.
You may not be here with me,
but in a way you are.
I love and miss you guys! :)
It went fairly well!
I think I am really going to like theatre!
We played a lot of fun games to get to know each other.
Like freeze, what are you doing,
among a lot of other things.
I managed to cut up my leg during one of the games.
We were all pretending to be chixkens running from a bomb that was about to explode.
Me being the clever comedian I am,
purposefully ran into a glass trophy case.
Obviously a chicken is going to be dumb and run into things!
This hilarious big black girl told me that it was hilarious!
Not to mention that I ate the best Cheesecake ever!
I am pretty sure that I got hit on today so that was a self-esteem boost!
It feels like I have been here a week already,
and I have known these people for ages!
I know I am going to fit in just fine here!
I got people to play bananagrams and my roommate and I were up until 1 watching funny youtube videos.
I like my roommate he is pretty cool!
Day 2:
Today me and my roommate woke up an hour earlier than we needed to,
so we spent that time playing cards.
After breakfast we went on a scavenger hunt and my team won!
Then we had a water balloon fight which was great!
Then me and my roommate played cards some more while we waited to go to dinner.
Then came auditions.
I didn't get cast,
but I had fun and I got people to laugh and I was told I was funny.
I know I'll be cast later so it's no biggy.
After auditions we went bowling and then had root beer floats.
It was a good day,
but I still miss home.
I miss my friends and hanging out everyday.
But, I know you are all with me.
Carrie, I know you're reading this,
every time I get homesick I just look at the picture you gave me and it makes me feel better.
You may not be here with me,
but in a way you are.
I love and miss you guys! :)
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Don't Forget the Lyrics
So it is 2 o'clock in the a.m.,
and I can't sleep.
I think this is a good time for brainstorming song lyrics.
Don't critique,
cause it is late.
Oh, Why Can't I?
Yeah yeah yeah.
Uh ooh uh ooh.
nah nah nah.
a ooh a ooh.
It's 2 in the morning and I'm still awake.
Can't get my mind to turn blank.
Not escaping my thoughts of hurt and pain,
that happened long ago on that fateful day.
The one in which my heart was broke,
it still hurts...ya know?
Wish it were easy,
and I could just forget;
but stuff like this sticks in your head. (Rap all of this)
Do you ever just wanna run away?
Leave everything behind,
and forget that day?
But it's not that easy,
to escape.
You gotta live, and learn,
from your mistakes.
Oh why,
can't I,
leave this place?
The one in my head,
full of disgrace.
Oh why,
do I,
always make mistakes?
Never learning from the ones I've already made.
Oh why,
can't I,
change?
You never know how much time you got,
so live it up.
Laugh a lot.
Pain is real,
it can last forever.
But only if you let-her.
Forget what you've been,
it's in the past.
Make better choices,
and this life will last.
Only got one chance to do it right,
don't mess up with stupid lies.
Forgive and forget,
that's what's been said.
Living with the image in the rearview mirror,
distorts things,
like the weather.
Don't focus on the storm behind you.
All it is dark,
it hides the light.
The light on your dash,
from the sunlight.
So enjoy this life,
the best you can.
It's all you got for now,
nothing else in sight.
Give a shout!
Put up a fight!
Defend your right to have a good time.
Oh why,
can't I,
live the life I wanna live?
The one,
in which,
everyone likes me and I'm the best.
Oh why,
can't I,
just cry and forget this,
leave it behind.
Wish it would change,
but it's not eleven.
Not even close,
more like two o seven
Oh why,
can't I,
sleep.
Da du da du.
La ooh.
and I can't sleep.
I think this is a good time for brainstorming song lyrics.
Don't critique,
cause it is late.
Oh, Why Can't I?
Yeah yeah yeah.
Uh ooh uh ooh.
nah nah nah.
a ooh a ooh.
It's 2 in the morning and I'm still awake.
Can't get my mind to turn blank.
Not escaping my thoughts of hurt and pain,
that happened long ago on that fateful day.
The one in which my heart was broke,
it still hurts...ya know?
Wish it were easy,
and I could just forget;
but stuff like this sticks in your head. (Rap all of this)
Do you ever just wanna run away?
Leave everything behind,
and forget that day?
But it's not that easy,
to escape.
You gotta live, and learn,
from your mistakes.
Oh why,
can't I,
leave this place?
The one in my head,
full of disgrace.
Oh why,
do I,
always make mistakes?
Never learning from the ones I've already made.
Oh why,
can't I,
change?
You never know how much time you got,
so live it up.
Laugh a lot.
Pain is real,
it can last forever.
But only if you let-her.
Forget what you've been,
it's in the past.
Make better choices,
and this life will last.
Only got one chance to do it right,
don't mess up with stupid lies.
Forgive and forget,
that's what's been said.
Living with the image in the rearview mirror,
distorts things,
like the weather.
Don't focus on the storm behind you.
All it is dark,
it hides the light.
The light on your dash,
from the sunlight.
So enjoy this life,
the best you can.
It's all you got for now,
nothing else in sight.
Give a shout!
Put up a fight!
Defend your right to have a good time.
Oh why,
can't I,
live the life I wanna live?
The one,
in which,
everyone likes me and I'm the best.
Oh why,
can't I,
just cry and forget this,
leave it behind.
Wish it would change,
but it's not eleven.
Not even close,
more like two o seven
Oh why,
can't I,
sleep.
Da du da du.
La ooh.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Who's it Gonna Be?
So I am starting to get anxious for college.
Not because I am nervous,
but because I wonder what will change after I leave.
It's the Class of 2012's Senior year,
my class.
Though, I may have left it,
they will always be my class no matter what.
They are going to change a lot this year,
I know it already.
But I will change a lot too.
Chances are,
a lot of us will change in different directions.
My friends this summer,
may not be my friends come winter.
I am curious as to who is really going to miss me.
Who will it be who hangs with me on my last day before I leave?
Or float me a text when I leave Friday morn at 4,
to say they will miss me.
Who's it gonna be that texts me every week?
Skypes me?
Calls me up on the telly?
Who's it gonna be,
that shows they don't really care?
Guess I'll find out in a week,
who's it's going to be.
Peace.
Not because I am nervous,
but because I wonder what will change after I leave.
It's the Class of 2012's Senior year,
my class.
Though, I may have left it,
they will always be my class no matter what.
They are going to change a lot this year,
I know it already.
But I will change a lot too.
Chances are,
a lot of us will change in different directions.
My friends this summer,
may not be my friends come winter.
I am curious as to who is really going to miss me.
Who will it be who hangs with me on my last day before I leave?
Or float me a text when I leave Friday morn at 4,
to say they will miss me.
Who's it gonna be that texts me every week?
Skypes me?
Calls me up on the telly?
Who's it gonna be,
that shows they don't really care?
Guess I'll find out in a week,
who's it's going to be.
Peace.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Memory Lane
So as Summer 2011 draws to a close,
I find it necessary to reflect on what has made this summer so great.
It started off a bit shaky.
My graduation party rolled around,
and I came to the realization that though a lot of people didn't show up,
the small large group that did;
is more than I ever could have asked for!
Those 20ish friends that showed up,
have been the ones I've spent so much of my time with this summer.
From swimming to camping,
I have loved every moment!
From Erick's "I saw her nipple!"
To Cassandra's "I'm about to shiz my pants!"
I have had a lot of fun.
When we saved that kid's life at ahquabi,
I think it has brought us all closer.
Life is precious,
and you never know when your's will end.
I think some of us really learned this that night on that level-b.
But level-b's are good for something,
campouts!
Though, I didn't talk much that night;
I learned a lot.
I learned that I needed to spend more time just talking to God.
Not to mention escaping talk and behavior that I disliked.
Speaking of campouts,
the campout at my second home was probably the best night of my summer.
We were real with each other that night.
Us going around in a circle telling each other what we really thought about each other was a great idea.
That's what we need to do as a group;
be honest with each other.
I have found that it is the times where you do nothing but hang out,
that bring friends together.
I like our little group so much!
We started out the summer having inappropriate fun,
but now we can get together and have fun without acting immature.
We are even to the point where we hang out and go to church as a group.
That is what has helped us all to have such a good summer together;
God.
God has been the highlight of my summer.
Tristate was the best!
I'm sorry to say it to my friends but I miss it and I'd rather be there;
except with all of you!
I can't explain the greatness of it,
you have to experience it yourself.
I made amazing friendships there;
not to mention my new family and learning that I am social.
I know now that I can do great in college and life;
and it is because of the great friendships I've made this summer.
I wouldn't be who I am now without you guys!
I want to leave so that I can impact new people and take with me all that I have learned this summer;
but it still sucks to have to leave :(
So we won't say goodbye.
Instead we will say hello.
Hello to new oppurtunities for us all to live the life God intended. :)
Peace...for now.
Ya'll know you'll be hearing from me real soon :)
I find it necessary to reflect on what has made this summer so great.
It started off a bit shaky.
My graduation party rolled around,
and I came to the realization that though a lot of people didn't show up,
the small large group that did;
is more than I ever could have asked for!
Those 20ish friends that showed up,
have been the ones I've spent so much of my time with this summer.
From swimming to camping,
I have loved every moment!
From Erick's "I saw her nipple!"
To Cassandra's "I'm about to shiz my pants!"
I have had a lot of fun.
When we saved that kid's life at ahquabi,
I think it has brought us all closer.
Life is precious,
and you never know when your's will end.
I think some of us really learned this that night on that level-b.
But level-b's are good for something,
campouts!
Though, I didn't talk much that night;
I learned a lot.
I learned that I needed to spend more time just talking to God.
Not to mention escaping talk and behavior that I disliked.
Speaking of campouts,
the campout at my second home was probably the best night of my summer.
We were real with each other that night.
Us going around in a circle telling each other what we really thought about each other was a great idea.
That's what we need to do as a group;
be honest with each other.
I have found that it is the times where you do nothing but hang out,
that bring friends together.
I like our little group so much!
We started out the summer having inappropriate fun,
but now we can get together and have fun without acting immature.
We are even to the point where we hang out and go to church as a group.
That is what has helped us all to have such a good summer together;
God.
God has been the highlight of my summer.
Tristate was the best!
I'm sorry to say it to my friends but I miss it and I'd rather be there;
except with all of you!
I can't explain the greatness of it,
you have to experience it yourself.
I made amazing friendships there;
not to mention my new family and learning that I am social.
I know now that I can do great in college and life;
and it is because of the great friendships I've made this summer.
I wouldn't be who I am now without you guys!
I want to leave so that I can impact new people and take with me all that I have learned this summer;
but it still sucks to have to leave :(
So we won't say goodbye.
Instead we will say hello.
Hello to new oppurtunities for us all to live the life God intended. :)
Peace...for now.
Ya'll know you'll be hearing from me real soon :)
Monday, August 1, 2011
Regret
When I decided that I wanted to graduate early a lot of people told me I would regret it.
I didn't believe them.
I knew what was the best for me;
or so I thought.
I thought the best thing for me was to leave Southeast Warren,
and I believe it was.
I don't regret getting out of that place at all.
But I do regret leaving all my other friends behind.
I did what was best for ME,
only me.
I didn't think to consider what would have been better for the people I care about.
Honestly, I didn't really care about anybody but myself before this summer.
Everything was poor little Matthew and his terrible existence.
I was too naive to pay attention and see that school is difficult for everyone else too.
Life tends to be difficult;
for everybody.
Why couldn't I see that before?
I feel really guilty for leaving now.
Am I a terrible person?
Sometimes I think so.
My friends are miserable there and feel like they are alone.
I don't want them to feel like that,
I felt like that too long to wish it upon anyone.
I want to be there for them,
but I will be 3 hours away.
They can come to me for anything,
I just wish they knew that.
I tell people I am here whenever they need me,
but it seems nobody ever needs me.
They want to do it on their own.
But they should learn from my mistake and realize they can't.
If you don't want to talk to me and open up,
do it with somebody else;
anybody else.
It isn't good to keep things bottled up.
It leads to much worse things.
A place nobody should ever have to go.
I have grown up a lot this summer.
I think I have made a lot of strong friendships too.
I really hope I don't lose them.
It's hard to believe just a few months ago I wanted to leave my whole life and everyone behind.
Never look back.
But I know I can't do that.
I don't have to live in Iowa,
but I should still stay in contact with people;
including my family.
I wish I could just run away.
From myself.
Everything.
But I can't.
I need to grow up and learn that life is hard;
and full of regret.
Peace.
I didn't believe them.
I knew what was the best for me;
or so I thought.
I thought the best thing for me was to leave Southeast Warren,
and I believe it was.
I don't regret getting out of that place at all.
But I do regret leaving all my other friends behind.
I did what was best for ME,
only me.
I didn't think to consider what would have been better for the people I care about.
Honestly, I didn't really care about anybody but myself before this summer.
Everything was poor little Matthew and his terrible existence.
I was too naive to pay attention and see that school is difficult for everyone else too.
Life tends to be difficult;
for everybody.
Why couldn't I see that before?
I feel really guilty for leaving now.
Am I a terrible person?
Sometimes I think so.
My friends are miserable there and feel like they are alone.
I don't want them to feel like that,
I felt like that too long to wish it upon anyone.
I want to be there for them,
but I will be 3 hours away.
They can come to me for anything,
I just wish they knew that.
I tell people I am here whenever they need me,
but it seems nobody ever needs me.
They want to do it on their own.
But they should learn from my mistake and realize they can't.
If you don't want to talk to me and open up,
do it with somebody else;
anybody else.
It isn't good to keep things bottled up.
It leads to much worse things.
A place nobody should ever have to go.
I have grown up a lot this summer.
I think I have made a lot of strong friendships too.
I really hope I don't lose them.
It's hard to believe just a few months ago I wanted to leave my whole life and everyone behind.
Never look back.
But I know I can't do that.
I don't have to live in Iowa,
but I should still stay in contact with people;
including my family.
I wish I could just run away.
From myself.
Everything.
But I can't.
I need to grow up and learn that life is hard;
and full of regret.
Peace.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Welcome to My Life
Welcome to my life is a song by simple plan.
It is a great song.
I used to think it was the story of my life.
"Do you ever feel like breaking down?"
Yes I did every day.
"Do you ever feel out of place."
All the time!
I felt like I was alone for such a long time!
"Like somehow you just don't belong,
and noone understands you."
By this time in the song I was usually crying like no other.
Simple plan understood me so well,
as did Avril Lavigne!
I was so depressed and lonely then.
I couldn't even stand myself then.
As for God,
I faked being a Christian.
I was caught up in my sin.
But no longer!
That person is a stranger to me,
that wasn't me.
I see that now.
I have changed so much this summer;
for the better.
I am happy and loving life!
I was so excited for college,
but now I am not wanting to leave my friends,
they aren't even friends anymore.
They are my family.
I love my family!
And I have never loved before.
I like myself.
I am a great person.
I know it is all because of God.
I am ready to live for Him;
go out and change the world!
So bring it ob world!
God is on my side and I am ready to face you!
God loves me and that is all I need! :)
Peace out girl scouts!
It is a great song.
I used to think it was the story of my life.
"Do you ever feel like breaking down?"
Yes I did every day.
"Do you ever feel out of place."
All the time!
I felt like I was alone for such a long time!
"Like somehow you just don't belong,
and noone understands you."
By this time in the song I was usually crying like no other.
Simple plan understood me so well,
as did Avril Lavigne!
I was so depressed and lonely then.
I couldn't even stand myself then.
As for God,
I faked being a Christian.
I was caught up in my sin.
But no longer!
That person is a stranger to me,
that wasn't me.
I see that now.
I have changed so much this summer;
for the better.
I am happy and loving life!
I was so excited for college,
but now I am not wanting to leave my friends,
they aren't even friends anymore.
They are my family.
I love my family!
And I have never loved before.
I like myself.
I am a great person.
I know it is all because of God.
I am ready to live for Him;
go out and change the world!
So bring it ob world!
God is on my side and I am ready to face you!
God loves me and that is all I need! :)
Peace out girl scouts!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Thee Davis Family
So I got back from tristate this week.
I had an amazing time!
Talk about awesome people and crazy good worship.
I miss it already!
I made a new family and they are great!
We are thee Davis family!
I don't care what you do in life,
just don't mess with my family!
God loves...don't forget it!
Peace & love! :)
I had an amazing time!
Talk about awesome people and crazy good worship.
I miss it already!
I made a new family and they are great!
We are thee Davis family!
I don't care what you do in life,
just don't mess with my family!
God loves...don't forget it!
Peace & love! :)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Chasing Lions
You know what?
I am done trying.
If you don't want to be a part of my life then leave!
I am so done with fake friends.
I go to college soon,
and I may seem like a loser who has no friends,
but I don't care!
I am sick of chasing after people.
You wanna leave my life do it,
you'll do us both a favor!
I am not chasing after people anymore and trying to mend old "friendships."
If you were really my friend you wouldn't just walk away.
Especially when I was honest and a good friend to you.
Be who you wanna be,
I don't want to care.
Stay out of my life,
and I will do my best at doing the same.
Truth is,
I love and care about you,
all of my friends.
But most don't feel the same.
So go ahead and leave.
I will be gone in 5 weeks anyway.
We have changed.
And I don't like who you have become.
Walk away.
I would be less stupid chasing a lion,
then trying again with you.
So hasta la vista!
Best of luck!
Now get the F away from me forever,
you suck!
Peace.
I am done trying.
If you don't want to be a part of my life then leave!
I am so done with fake friends.
I go to college soon,
and I may seem like a loser who has no friends,
but I don't care!
I am sick of chasing after people.
You wanna leave my life do it,
you'll do us both a favor!
I am not chasing after people anymore and trying to mend old "friendships."
If you were really my friend you wouldn't just walk away.
Especially when I was honest and a good friend to you.
Be who you wanna be,
I don't want to care.
Stay out of my life,
and I will do my best at doing the same.
Truth is,
I love and care about you,
all of my friends.
But most don't feel the same.
So go ahead and leave.
I will be gone in 5 weeks anyway.
We have changed.
And I don't like who you have become.
Walk away.
I would be less stupid chasing a lion,
then trying again with you.
So hasta la vista!
Best of luck!
Now get the F away from me forever,
you suck!
Peace.
Monday, July 11, 2011
God and Tears
All I want to do right now is curl up in a ball,
listen to some music,
and bawl my eyes out.
God should be all I ever need,
but it is so hard not to want other things.
I am so sick of being alone, single, mono, uno,
or anything else you want to call it.
Is it so bad that I want someone to talk to late at night,
who will talk back.
Does it make me a bad person because I want someone who is more than just a best friend?
Someone who loves me unconditionally and I love back.
Someone who will hold me at night,
and tell me everything will be okay.
Someone who doesn't want anything physical,
but a loving, spiritually and emotionally connected relationship.
I honestly don't think I will ever,
or even can have that type of relationship.
I know God loves me and is there,
but I just want someone here now to care about me.
As much as I have cared for the people I have liked.
I thought I knew them,
but they have all changed.
In six weeks there is no hope of them being in my life again.
I miss them already,
but I am nothing to them.
I am not anyone to anybody.
I want to leave so badly,
but yet I don't.
I don't because I don't wanna find out they never cared.
I can't take the pain of having to find that out.
What if I am not liked at college?
Do I even know who I am to be able to be me?
I don't want to be likes for someone that isn't me.
But I don't know if I can be the me I think I am and still be a Christian.
I will still love God,
but others will constantly tell me I don't.
I didn't choose this,
that I know of.
I don't fall for who I do on purpose.
But some people won't give me the time of day for me to explain that to them.
I am already torn apart by what they say,
and they don't even know.
I just want a relationship which is basically a best friendship.
But God gets to choose if and when that happens.
Not me, and certainly not you.
How I feel hurts,
but I know God feels my pain.
For now it is just me, God, and these tears.
Peace.
listen to some music,
and bawl my eyes out.
God should be all I ever need,
but it is so hard not to want other things.
I am so sick of being alone, single, mono, uno,
or anything else you want to call it.
Is it so bad that I want someone to talk to late at night,
who will talk back.
Does it make me a bad person because I want someone who is more than just a best friend?
Someone who loves me unconditionally and I love back.
Someone who will hold me at night,
and tell me everything will be okay.
Someone who doesn't want anything physical,
but a loving, spiritually and emotionally connected relationship.
I honestly don't think I will ever,
or even can have that type of relationship.
I know God loves me and is there,
but I just want someone here now to care about me.
As much as I have cared for the people I have liked.
I thought I knew them,
but they have all changed.
In six weeks there is no hope of them being in my life again.
I miss them already,
but I am nothing to them.
I am not anyone to anybody.
I want to leave so badly,
but yet I don't.
I don't because I don't wanna find out they never cared.
I can't take the pain of having to find that out.
What if I am not liked at college?
Do I even know who I am to be able to be me?
I don't want to be likes for someone that isn't me.
But I don't know if I can be the me I think I am and still be a Christian.
I will still love God,
but others will constantly tell me I don't.
I didn't choose this,
that I know of.
I don't fall for who I do on purpose.
But some people won't give me the time of day for me to explain that to them.
I am already torn apart by what they say,
and they don't even know.
I just want a relationship which is basically a best friendship.
But God gets to choose if and when that happens.
Not me, and certainly not you.
How I feel hurts,
but I know God feels my pain.
For now it is just me, God, and these tears.
Peace.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Can I Get A Little Change?
I've found a lot changes after you graduate high school.
Who you hang out with and what you do.
What you talk about and who you become.
I have changed a lot since I graduated,
at least my attitude has.
I don't get upset at the small things,
which is great;
except I don't get upset at all.
I feel like I am holding everything in.
But I am not upset,
and I don't understand why.
Could this possibly be happiness brewing?
Let's hope so because that is something this kid desperately needs!
I remember getting upset just when people wouldn't text back.
But now it doesn't matter as much.
Even today I was the third wheel,
and I was upset for awhile;
but now I am over it.
It wasn't their fault I was left out,
I stayed out of the conversation on purpose.
I don't wanna hear what they talk about;
nor do I want to see them in that light.
They are both good friends;
I'd just rather not hang with just the two of them again.
My friends have changed a lot lately;
which sucks a lot!
They make bad decisions and I cannot do a thing about it.
I just need to take the advice of a good friend and not worry about them, but instead myself.
I will become a good Christian and live the life God wants me to.
I cant make other people's decisions;
but maybe my outlook on life can influence them...?
Who knows...nobody but God.
Peace and love my brethren!
Who you hang out with and what you do.
What you talk about and who you become.
I have changed a lot since I graduated,
at least my attitude has.
I don't get upset at the small things,
which is great;
except I don't get upset at all.
I feel like I am holding everything in.
But I am not upset,
and I don't understand why.
Could this possibly be happiness brewing?
Let's hope so because that is something this kid desperately needs!
I remember getting upset just when people wouldn't text back.
But now it doesn't matter as much.
Even today I was the third wheel,
and I was upset for awhile;
but now I am over it.
It wasn't their fault I was left out,
I stayed out of the conversation on purpose.
I don't wanna hear what they talk about;
nor do I want to see them in that light.
They are both good friends;
I'd just rather not hang with just the two of them again.
My friends have changed a lot lately;
which sucks a lot!
They make bad decisions and I cannot do a thing about it.
I just need to take the advice of a good friend and not worry about them, but instead myself.
I will become a good Christian and live the life God wants me to.
I cant make other people's decisions;
but maybe my outlook on life can influence them...?
Who knows...nobody but God.
Peace and love my brethren!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Crushed
Crushes are an odd thing.
They tend to come out of nowhere.
You can't control them. (trust me I've tried)
Instead you are stuck liking someone you don't want to.
The person who is way out of your league,
who doesn't even know you exist.
I am definitely crushing right now.
I shouldn't be,
but I am.
They are as close to perfect as you can get in this place.
But, it doesn't matter how great they may be.
Will they ever like me?
No.
In fact, my friend likes them.
They like each other actually.
But both are too afraid to make the first move.
They should date though.
They would be a good match.
Both hilarious and popular.
I want them to date.
Yeah it may suck for me,
but I can deal.
The thing about crushes,
you always get crushed.
I should be used to that by now.
Previous to my current crushee,
I have been crushed twice this year.
The first was a long-running crush;
from 8th to 11th grade.
Pretty lame I know.
More like stupid.
I knew they didn't like me back,
but I just couldn't leave it alone.
All I ever thought about was texting them,
hanging together.
Getting to know one another.
It never happened though.
We never even became friends.
That realization really hurt.
Still does.
I was more than crushed by them.
I was chewed up and spit out,
thrown in a shredder,
tossed into boiling water,
rung out,
sewn pack together with crappy workmenship,
then kicked to the ground.
That is how I felt.
And the feeling is still there.
It will resurface every once in awhile.
I will want to text them,
but I have to prevent myself from doing that.
I don't wanna get hurt like that again.
I won't be crushed by my current crush.
I am not a possibility for them,
nor I for them.
Yeah they are great,
but so am I.
I deserve to crush on someone who will crush on me back.
So until I crush on that person,
I am avoiding being crushed.
Peace.
They tend to come out of nowhere.
You can't control them. (trust me I've tried)
Instead you are stuck liking someone you don't want to.
The person who is way out of your league,
who doesn't even know you exist.
I am definitely crushing right now.
I shouldn't be,
but I am.
They are as close to perfect as you can get in this place.
But, it doesn't matter how great they may be.
Will they ever like me?
No.
In fact, my friend likes them.
They like each other actually.
But both are too afraid to make the first move.
They should date though.
They would be a good match.
Both hilarious and popular.
I want them to date.
Yeah it may suck for me,
but I can deal.
The thing about crushes,
you always get crushed.
I should be used to that by now.
Previous to my current crushee,
I have been crushed twice this year.
The first was a long-running crush;
from 8th to 11th grade.
Pretty lame I know.
More like stupid.
I knew they didn't like me back,
but I just couldn't leave it alone.
All I ever thought about was texting them,
hanging together.
Getting to know one another.
It never happened though.
We never even became friends.
That realization really hurt.
Still does.
I was more than crushed by them.
I was chewed up and spit out,
thrown in a shredder,
tossed into boiling water,
rung out,
sewn pack together with crappy workmenship,
then kicked to the ground.
That is how I felt.
And the feeling is still there.
It will resurface every once in awhile.
I will want to text them,
but I have to prevent myself from doing that.
I don't wanna get hurt like that again.
I won't be crushed by my current crush.
I am not a possibility for them,
nor I for them.
Yeah they are great,
but so am I.
I deserve to crush on someone who will crush on me back.
So until I crush on that person,
I am avoiding being crushed.
Peace.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Who Am I?
You may think you know me but you don't.
Who you think I am isn't me.
I am an awesome person,
though you may not see it.
I am caring.
I see what other people overlook.
See that girl over there,
the one laughing and smiling?
She is happy isn't she?
There you would be wrong.
She is unhappy and just wants to curl up in the fetal position.
Her friends make her feel like she is nothing and her home life sucks.
If you looked at her eyes you would see that.
What about that guy over there?
He seems like a care free, happy-go-lucky guy.
Incorrect.
He is miserable and you don't even realize it.
What about me?
How do I feel?
I look happy don't I?
Wrong again.
If this were baseball you would have just struck out.
Because you see,
I am not at all happy bub.
I am miserable.
But you wouldn't know.
You see what you want to see,
not what is right in front of you.
That is where you and I differ.
I see the pain in people.
I try to help them and make them feel better,
but the thing is they don't want me.
They want you.
So open your eyes.
Start caring about the people you "care" about.
I am not doing it anymore.
I shouldn't have to be hurt for caring.
So I am not.
Peace.
Who you think I am isn't me.
I am an awesome person,
though you may not see it.
I am caring.
I see what other people overlook.
See that girl over there,
the one laughing and smiling?
She is happy isn't she?
There you would be wrong.
She is unhappy and just wants to curl up in the fetal position.
Her friends make her feel like she is nothing and her home life sucks.
If you looked at her eyes you would see that.
What about that guy over there?
He seems like a care free, happy-go-lucky guy.
Incorrect.
He is miserable and you don't even realize it.
What about me?
How do I feel?
I look happy don't I?
Wrong again.
If this were baseball you would have just struck out.
Because you see,
I am not at all happy bub.
I am miserable.
But you wouldn't know.
You see what you want to see,
not what is right in front of you.
That is where you and I differ.
I see the pain in people.
I try to help them and make them feel better,
but the thing is they don't want me.
They want you.
So open your eyes.
Start caring about the people you "care" about.
I am not doing it anymore.
I shouldn't have to be hurt for caring.
So I am not.
Peace.
Sick & Tired
I'm done being what other people want me to be.
I am so sick and tired of being someone I am not for people who don't care.
I am not sure who my friends are anymore.
Almost everyone is fake.
I am so sick and tired of everyone.
Why do I need to change for the better when everyone else changes for the worse?
Whatever.
It doesn't matter anymore.
They can have their "fun."
And each other.
I don't need them to be happy.
They weren't there when I needed them before so why would they be there now?
They don't care.
I see that now.
But that is fine.
Because I don't care anymore.
They aren't the friends I thought they were.
I am sick and tired of being around them.
I am better off without them.
I have God.
That is all I really need.
My life may be lonely.
But at least I can be the person I am meant to be.
I will see some of you in Heaven.
But to the rest of you,
have fun being fake.
Thid kid is moving on.
I may appear happy.
I will be happy.
Just not with this group of people.
It is time to move on.
Be Matthew.
Not matt.
Peace.
I am so sick and tired of being someone I am not for people who don't care.
I am not sure who my friends are anymore.
Almost everyone is fake.
I am so sick and tired of everyone.
Why do I need to change for the better when everyone else changes for the worse?
Whatever.
It doesn't matter anymore.
They can have their "fun."
And each other.
I don't need them to be happy.
They weren't there when I needed them before so why would they be there now?
They don't care.
I see that now.
But that is fine.
Because I don't care anymore.
They aren't the friends I thought they were.
I am sick and tired of being around them.
I am better off without them.
I have God.
That is all I really need.
My life may be lonely.
But at least I can be the person I am meant to be.
I will see some of you in Heaven.
But to the rest of you,
have fun being fake.
Thid kid is moving on.
I may appear happy.
I will be happy.
Just not with this group of people.
It is time to move on.
Be Matthew.
Not matt.
Peace.
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